He Tries to make himself feel Better

I talked to Idaho-Blue on the phone today. I don't think he realizes it, but every time we talk he tells me about yet one more person who doesn't like me.

"Yeah, we were talking about you the other day. They were talking about how much so-and-so doesn't like you, but I stood up for you."

It's more detailed than that, but it's a new person every time. I don't even ask what people say, it's just what he brings up every conversation. Do this many people really not like me? I don't think that's really what's happening. See, I know the way Idaho-Blue works. It's a manipulation thing. He has to prove what a loyal good friend he is when nobody else is so that I'm obligated to keep him as a friend. (And he wonders why he loses friends!) He knows that it really hurts to be told that people don't like you, and so he exaggerates it. So far, almost everyone I used to know there has been painted as a bad mean person who doesn't like me at all. Actually, he's done that about everyone I knew there excepting Idaho-White, and for some reason he keeps asking why we (Idaho-White and I) aren't still trying to stick together.

But I refuse to believe him. It's just one of his tricks he plays to feel better about himself. I mean, some of those people are the few who faithfully read my blog. They can't hate me that much.

Poor Boy

Well, somehow the topic couldn't be avoided (me having an honesty complex and all). We watched Johnny Lingo (the new MGM version, oh yeah!) and then put in Finding Nemo. I think he was just trying to get in more yellow time, and I could have gotten some cuddle in, but I - I couldn't bring myself to do it. When he put Nemo in we began talking about dating, and weren't watching the movie at all, and finally it came out that I like Derek. NotDoc used to be Derek's home teacher - back during the initial excitingly scary first good times. Turns out Derek did talk about me, and he was excited. But that was then...

I told NotDoc how the hope of something happening with Derek is the only reason I have to stay here, and I just don't think that hope is strong enough to make it worth staying. NotDoc said "well, there's other guys out there." I definetly know that. He also said "it's his loss" and I said "I know, but I'm probably just prepairing him for when he does meet the right girl."

NotDoc then realized he was tired enough to go home, and left pretty quickly. I could see he felt rejected. I was sorry, but I have been totally honest with him the whole time. On the way out the door,He asked if our conversation was confidential i.e. 'can I talk to Derek about this?' I told him Derek already knows all this.

Why do we all have to be rejected? Well - it's just like in Johnny Lingo, the higher the price, the more valuable the prize. It just matters if we're willing to pay.

Story behind the Road

I have no idea if this song *could* even stand on its own. It all makes sense to me, but I find things that need a lot of explanation usually aren't that great on their own. In any case, here's the explanation.
My roommate AJ may help me write music for it.

The word Derek means "The Way, the Path, the Road" (among other things)

The first line is a slight allusion to the song "Nineteen" by the Old97s.
Derek admits he's rotten at relationships. It's not that he's a bad guy in any way, he just doesn't know HOW to do it, he's rotten at playing the game.
*I* gave *him* a flower. Granted it was plastic and from Michael's, but it was blue for his BYU college, which has always been my least favorite school. We joke about it often.

"It" in the chorus refers to actually having a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. We never really did, though we kinda did and I really liked it then. The possibility of maybe having one is the only real reason I can come up with to stay here instead of taking this job in Oregon, and it's not a very good reason.

The second verse is what I thought of first when listening to the song "Nineteen." They sing that he doesn't know why he let her go, but he was only nineteen, so that's his reason - he didn't know any better, or he wasn't ready, or whatever. I WAS 19 in 1997, and Derek is now 29. I don't like the lyric mean, but he is just letting me go, and doesn't have "I'm only 19" as an excuse, and doesn't really have an excuse, and that's mean.

The second chorus refers how Derek and I called so many things, including eachother, scary. I borrow his music all the time, and love it, and I'll miss that, but - I'll most likely move - and be what Derek has dubbed "An Or-A-Goner."

The Road

I'll never know if we'd go sour,
you played rotten from the start.
I played blue, a plastic flower,
even tried to play my heart.

And it's not my fault we missed it,
though I hit it, fun and all.
I could play this game forever
or be gone to Oregon.

The 97's had a reason,
it was 'cause they were nineteen.
But I was back in 97
and you're twenty-nine and mean.

And it's not my fault that we missed it,
though I hit it, scared and all.
I could hear these songs forever,
or move on to Oregon.

See, I shouldn't really stay here,
you might realize you care.
Hey - at least you learned to cuddle-
She can pick it up from there.

And it's not my fault we missed it
though I hit it, tears and all.
I could drive this road forever
or go on to Oregon.

And I'm gone to Oregon.

It's Movie Night

with Not-Doc Boy. First movies with him non-theatre-style. He'll probably want to cuddle. At this point, why not?

Derek even did what movie cuddling is possible in the theatre. My head on his shoulder, his head against that. Arm around me at the end, and a hug goodbye. (It's been a while.)

We were listening to yet another Old 97s album I hadn't heard yet, and he skipped a song saying "that's too poignant right now." Hmmmm - I'm going to have to figure out what that song was.

I was listening to the CD I'm borrowing now, reading lyrics, and one song spoke to me in a way that made me stay up late and write a song of my own, except I wish I was good enough at guitar to put an actual song to it. The lyrics are there, though. I write classical, I've never done otherwise. This one is in the style of the 97s. Watch for lyrics, I'm sure I'll post them.

In the words of one of those scratchy voiced metal bands-

"Don't know what you got, 'till it's gone...."

Derek's realizing it suddenly. He took me to see Shrek 2 last night. (Not-Doc Boy wanted to take me to see it Friday night, but D obviously has priority.)

He even said "I need to get in all the Yellow Time I can!"
My reply, "You'd better."
(He's going to his parents *again* this weekend, this time to go to a Who concert, and meet his brothers girlfriend.)

It's not DEFINITE that I'll be moving to Portland yet (I have until the 27th to decide), but I'm going to make him miss me when I'm gone.

:)

Portland Sounds Good

I just got a job offer, from the job I had decided I didn't want. They want to give me a position that was better than I expected, with hours that don't look as bad as I expected, in Portland. Portland is one of my favorite cities. Second to Seattle, but without drastic volcano danger. Hmmmm-

I was just a bit bummed yesterday, and talked to my sister who really cheered me up. (Thanks Sas!) I don't know if I really have any great reason to stay in Philly. I would really love Portland.

Oh! Decision time!

Cute

I was right. I am cute today. At least my roommate complimented me before I left for church this morning.

I talked to two new guys today, and a few that I've spoken with before and never really did anything about. Nothing worth getting excited about happened, though. There was a slick without-even-talking exchange in giving Derek his Wilco CD back, while another guy (Peruvian, but not the cute Latino guy I've talked to almost every week, and gotten NOWHERE with) was convincing me to go to dinner at his place that night. Peruvian has dinner at his place almost every week, and I've turned him down too many times, so today I gave in. But, as is my unluck with guys, he asked me out on an official date before the dinner and escape was over. This guy is about 5 ft. tall, and not extremely bright. I didn't flat out say no, but I did warn him I'd be very busy the rest of my tenure here (which is true).

Why don't cute LDS guys ask me out? They rarely even talk to me. What is it? The non-cute LDS guys I'm not remotely interested in ask me out a lot. Cute Non-LDS guys ask me out all the time. What's the deal? I think I'm competing with too many Barbies. Really.

That's the real mistake I made with Derek. He was the first active LDS guy that I liked and that liked me back (or so I thought) so I got really excited and felt like going in full force. Well, that obviously was a stupid approach, and didn't work.

I don't want to play this game. I just want a cute LDS guy to pay attention and see how cute I am, and blah blah blah get on with it.