Art

I've been trying and trying to post - and I keep typing something, and then have to do something at work. So, I'm sitting here at 6:30 on a Friday after the staff have gone home, and I should be home eating, or cleaning, or primping for the multi-party night, or trying to finish making my curtains, but instead I'm here.

I haven't written here much because I've been rapidly filling journal entries. It's your loss I'm not online at home. Oh well.

This past week, I've been experiencing everything as art, and it's beautiful. Every time I hit go on the "heartbreak" playlist on my ipod the songs have a completely different layer of meaning for me.

Next weekend I'm hosting an arts night. I've been wanting to for so long - and now I'm finally doing it. I'm inviting tons of people - and I hope to have my little apartment stuffed full of people that love the arts. Unfortunately, most of my dance friends will be in Seattle that weekend, but I have work people and church people I've met who will be there. The theme is "Changing Creation" and I'm asking everyone to bring one old and one new work of their own creation.

The theme came to me because I've realized how much harder it is for me to perform or share something the more I learn about it, or the better I get at it. So I'm going to accept the change, and be ok that I can't sing as well as I used to - and sing the piece I sang at the first art salon I went to. I'm excited. It's not about how good you art, or how good your work is. It's about sharing, and the connection that happens through the arts. THAT'S what REALLY makes good art - it's soul is NOT in the technique. SO there it is. I'll probably show the video of my performance art piece as my new work. That will be totally different too, because experiencing a video is completely different than a performance. I'll see it from the other side. Scary. Great!!! Change.

Connections

Did I mention on here I've been seriously pondering connections lately? On many various levels. I can't remember what is going where right now because I'm journaling at home so frequently - I don't have internet there, and handwriting things is nice right now, and I'm talking to so many people I keep thinking I've shared, and then look at my blog and see how outdated everything is...

Last weekend I spent the entire time either talking to someone, or listening to someone talk. It went by very very fast. Although, I did forcibly create some quiet moments on Sunday. They were needed!

The people I spoke with were so varied, too. Family, old friends I've hardly spoken with in years, brand new friends I just met - different ones at different times, that I know from different sources. But there were themes - of course, because they were all talking to me.

But the day began sending me back into a whirlwind I've been in several times before - where my whole reality is thrown into question. I don't know if/what/how/etc to be live right now. It's a scary and exhilarating place to be. It's becoming easier for me to admit to myself and others exactly who I think I am right now - and perfectly ok that it's possible that will change tomorrow. An outside observer may not notice the change in me from one day to the next, but there are subtle differences.

I've been wearing earrings for the past week and a half. I haven't really worn earrings consistently since high school. It's tiny, insignificant, but it IS significant - if only a little bit.

Sometimes I get nervous about what this may mean for my future - where I'll end up heading. That happens when you question everything. But usually, I just revel in what I'm experiencing now. I don't really have to know who I'll be or where I'll be headed tomorrow. What I DO have to know all ties back to the important lesson I figured out in 5th/6th grade: All that matters is my opinion of myself, and my standing with God. Right now, with everything else in upheaval, I love myself and I am confident in my standing/honesty with God (which really ties right back into my real opinion of myself - there is no difference).