One good part of a good day -

He emails in reply to mine today:

"If you're wearing your red pants, it must be a good day. Nice blue sky, but a little chilly... Would you be up for an evening hike at that state park tomorrow?

"I'm sorry if I've made you feel bad by being weird. Notwithstanding my intermittent states of confusion, I've always enjoyed Yellow Time. And I still rank your attempt to secretly pay for dinner in Millville when I caught you with a sly smile on your face as one of the coolest things done by a girl on a date. Not that this is your funeral, and I don't think you should not look in Philly for a job."

Job Opening Announcement!

(at the request of a friend...)

POSITION OPEN FOR ONE CELESTIAL ASSET
Yellow Endeavors (a non-incorporated, unique, not-for-profit service organization) is seeking a Celestial Asset as a full time partner to its current Executive Director. The Celestial Asset would co-provide financial, emotional, spiritual, and creative support. Administrative, technical and custodial duties shared. Will often face situations that cause one to think deeply, analyze problems, and propose beneficial solutions. Must be priesthood holder in good standing, a current temple recommend is a good indication. Willing to travel, work long hours - nights and weekends. Must be able to make wise decisions, working independently when necessary. Excellent communication skills and integrity are a must. Should have demonstrative evidence of patience, good financial management, as well as commitment to family values. Must be able to maturely handle frequent situations of pure silliness. Work is not easy, but is definitely rewarding.

The ideal candidate has an excitement for life; is passionate about the outdoors and nature, the arts, and politics; is financially stable; and likes children. Applicants who can dance well (or are willing and able to learn), sing, and/or create visual art are viewed favorably.

Salary: Depends On Ability, with continuing opportunities for increase. Benefits include entertaining, endearing, and loving companionship (without the slobber or cleanup involved if one were to opt for a dog-type companionship), an automatic dance partner, generous support, and shared expenses.

Interested applicants should send cover letter and resume to lifeinyellow -at- gmail.com. Qualified Applicants will be contacted for an interview at the venue of their choice, expenses for a first interview are to be paid by the applicant. In the case of a second interview, expenses are negotiable.

NOT an equal opportunity employer. Applications will be accepted from heterosexual males between the ages of 23 and 35 only.

There was, in the dream...

Have you ever had one of those dreams that just feels important? I had several last night, and for some reason, even during them, I asked to remember them because they were of some importance - but during the dream it was mostly just watching.

This morning I woke up and began writing down images I could remember, as fast as I could. I filled up the rest of my current journal with it. As I was finishing up, I recognized some patterns - and maybe even some of the possible significance.

There were three things, one of which was always there: The cute boys from the baseball team in high school, Latino Boys, or Derek. All of these were desires of mine at one time or another, but I had no desire for them in my dream. I was happy without them.

I think this clinches it. Derek is not for me, and I can go on having fun with him, and not have to worry about liking him more than I should. I feel great this morning! (This was an episode from My So Called Life! Now I just need my best girl friend to hook up with Derek - but I don't have a best girl friend, and Derek isn't anything like Jordan Catalano!)

Clear as Celephane...

The phone call came. It was pleasant, but...
"You already know what my short answer is" says he. And? "I like hanging out with you. You're a fun girl." I know that much! But that doesn't answer my questions...

One answer comes secured: "Well, I don't hang out with you just because you're flattering..."
One option I had given him (for why he acts the way he does) was that he hangs on to me because the fact that I like him is flattering, so he flirts when it's convenient (when we're alone) because it makes him feel good, and evades me when it's convenient (when others are around) because it makes him feel awkward.
"There are plenty of flattering girls I don't hang out with..."
"I'm not quite as scary as they are"
"yeah" he laughs.
"yet" I add.

Another option I had given him: That he just takes each moment as it comes, and doesn't put any effort into trying to figure it out as I may be leaving soon anyway.
His reply: He actually has put some time into trying to figure things out. He just hasn't.
"I don't really have a long answer... I thought we were clear on things." He concludes.

Well, we were - I explain. As I told him before, I will cuddle with "just friends," but I will guard my flirting if there's no chance for me liking them more... I'm not really one to talk, I admit, sometimes I flirt more than I realize - but I'm always honest
I'll tell a guy if he's got no chance, or needs to back off or slow down.


It's just that he's an extremely sincere guy... he couldn't even give these girls hugs because he didn't feel sincere about it. So when he flirts with me, I wonder if he means anything by it. I just don't want him to lead me on without realizing it.

He gets what I'm saying. But he doesn't know, "I guess I just don't have much practice."
"That's your own fault."
"Well, I always choose what kind of awkward it's going to be. Me either doing too much or too little. Lately its been too little 'cause I'm sick of feeling stupid when I do too much."
"I feel stupid a lot around you," I say.
"Sorry to make you feel stupid!" he says.
"It's my choice, it's not your making it happen."

He used to - in his own words - stalk girls. (Not STALK, but try too hard.) I don't believe it! It's true. And look what's happened. He's scared one too many girls, that now he's almost afraid to do anything.
If only I could be overly and cutely pursued by someone I was interested in. I don't want to scare Not-Doc boy into doing too little... but you've gotta be sure the feeling is mutual when going for the real sweet stuff. I'm very level headed - but a true romantic at heart. I must admit, my dream response would have been for him to drive out here, and surprise me with flowers and a bear hug and say "I'm sorry!" But Dreams. Reality told me we'd end where we did...

"Well, I guess it's good enough" I say. "Not clear as glass, but clear as cellophane."
Amazingly, he totally understands! "Sometimes transparent, sometimes translucent-"
"Yup, depending on if it's stretched tight or crumpled... so we're good - until I go crazy next time." He laughs. I guess so -
We go on to talking about if I'll get to go camping or at least get in some good play time before my time is done here...

My Reply to the Guy -

Either I was sleeping, trying to recover from work Saturday and late Friday (hurray for the day of rest!) or My Roomate was on the phone.
Try again tonight.
I'm gooder than sugar, but maybe not salt.

[the last line refers to inside jokes.]

Hold the Phone!

Email from Derek this morning:

"Hey, I tried to call a few times yesterday. Be good,
 
Derek"

Good for him. He wants to talk about it and not just email. Bad far me. I have to wait longer and try to keep my roomate from monopolizing the phone until he calls me. Ah the nervousness. (It's kind of fun in a way.)

New additions again...

Yup - I'm ready to post my diary for more and more readers. (I just hope my true identity remains mostly anonymous - or at least the boys involved do not find this!) I signed up to join an LDS Blog ring... if I can make it work. Hurray for small little improvements!

Warning: This is Scary (especailly for me)

So today was area conference. I was tired, but had to get there early to get in. With the extra time before it began, I did some reading, and then began to write out my thoughts...

Which turned into writing out all my thoughts of different reasons Derek acts the way he does. Which turned into a letter explaining why I don't want to put up with this. I'd like to be his friend, but it's just more than I feel like dealing with when I always have to wonder if there's any hope in liking him, or if I bother him, or what. I sometimes write out letters like that just to get them off my chest, and then I feel better. But I didn't feel better. I knew I had to do something drastic. I had to give him the letter.

So after the meeting was over, I began working my way back to where he was. Every time I looked and saw where he was, and then was stopped by something else, he had gone to somewhere different. (Did he see me coming and was he trying to avoid it? But I had to get this note to him. Cheesey Middle School Style, yes... but I had to.)

Stopped by Drama Queen- "You're coming to dinner with us?" Can't, too tired. (It's true, work yesterday was tiring and I NEEDED extra sleep today.)
Stopped by Not-Doc Boy- "Blah blah blah smalltalk." I notice Derek and his friends are huddle together, and look over in my direction with a smirky smile - his friends, not him. (This is so like Jr. High all over again!) Are they smiling because they're watching how I handle Not-Doc Boy coming at me when they now know I'm not interested? Are they smiling because Derek's doing a beter job at evading me than I am at avoiding Not-Doc? I hate this. I'm nervous. I'll play the game. I can't walk up and give Derek a note like this in front of all his friends.
I go to the girl I visit teach, and try (in-vain as always... I try so hard!) to set up a time to meet with her. "Maybe like during the last ten minutes of church next week" she says... after doing a pretty good job of ignoring me and talking to every other new person that comes up to her - offering them candy. Well, even if she HAD offered me any, I was fasting today, so I would have refused... but I'm already nervous and her with her usual "you're just not cool enough for me" vibe is not helping.
Where'd he go? There putting away chairs. He's somewhat separated from others - for his comfort's sake his talking to me may not be noticed by anyone. His hands are full of chairs, so I just slip it in his shirt pocket and say "I have something for you before I dissapear." "OK" he says cooly.

We joke often about "scary girls." I prefaced the note with: "Warning This Is Scary. (Especially for me.)" Now I just wait for a response... I'm nervous and ready to move far away, meet Mr. Perfect and get on with my life.

"So that's my story, What's yours?"

Like I said, I wasn't excited to hang out with Derek. Friday, I tried emailing him early in the day to see if maybe he would come out here, I didn't want to make the drive. (I just realized with gas and tolls it costs me around $8 every time I go into Philly.)

Well he never called and said he'd come, so I took a nap after work to try to untired myself, and give him a little more time to possibly call and say he'll come my way instead. No luck. I called before I left saying to his voicemail "Either you didn't get my message, or you didn't want to come, so I'll be there in a bit."

When I got there, NOBODY WAS HOME! I knew he was expecting me, but I was a little worried that maybe he did go to my place and forgot that he didn't tell me. So I walked around the building, and his car was still there. So I went back to his door again. Maybe he was sleeping - knocked on his window - nothing. I waited in my car for about ten minutes, trying to decide what to do. Went back to his door for one last try, and it began to rain. I sat down on his porch and thought about how much longer I would wait before leaving. Soon, I felt the pressure of a door opening, and saw lights flick on. (I enter from his back door, as you can't get to his front door without key access to the building, and the call buttons to let you in don't work.)

There was Derek, in shorts and a Tshirt, sweating and breathing hard. He had gone running. (He does that whenever the weather's decent.) "I thought you were coming later," says he. We had discussed 6 or 7. It was a quarter after 7.

I come inside and his phone rings. It's his friend - and he talks to him, ignoring me, for what seems like forever. I lay on his couch, read a little, and then attempt to pretend to take another nap. He talks, goes to him room to talk and change, and talks more on the phone. Finally, he gets off and says "sorry." He then goes on to tell me a synopsis of the story of his day up to that very moment, I honestly don't remember what he said, except for that he ended with "so that's my story, what's yours?" So - I tell him my story, including not wanting to drive out there, and then feeling stood up, and then feeling ignored. I smile. It was nice to let him know how I felt. He smiles and says, "Good, we're all caught up then."

From then on out for the rest of the night, he's back to the guy that makes me like him. Dinner is just my style - simple, healthy... and he lights a little scented candle and dims his lights with a giggles (we're eating finger food right off the serving plates on a card table). "I do have dimming lights! We can have a candle light dinner," he says.

We eat, he puts in the movie we planned to watched. ("Gigantic: A tale of two Johns"... a documentary of They Might Be Giants.) He turns off the light and we're on the couch. I lean on his shoulder, the same way I do with all guy friends who a)do not have a girlfriend/wife or b)like me too much and I don't want to lead them on.

HE begins the tickling and the flirting and slightly extends the lenghth of time holding hands while keeping my hands away from being able to tickle him back.

So then we get ice cream, listen to some CD's - and I drive the long stretch home late at night. We both lost track of time and were surprised at how late it was. "No wonder I'm tired" he says and I think. I do not give him, nor do I try for a goodbye hug. I just leave.

And I'm angry. Not Angry-angry, just angry.
I don't want to like him. It's not fair that I should decide not to like him and then he treats me like he does and I can't help liking him. Grrrrrrr