Warning: This is Scary (especailly for me)

So today was area conference. I was tired, but had to get there early to get in. With the extra time before it began, I did some reading, and then began to write out my thoughts...

Which turned into writing out all my thoughts of different reasons Derek acts the way he does. Which turned into a letter explaining why I don't want to put up with this. I'd like to be his friend, but it's just more than I feel like dealing with when I always have to wonder if there's any hope in liking him, or if I bother him, or what. I sometimes write out letters like that just to get them off my chest, and then I feel better. But I didn't feel better. I knew I had to do something drastic. I had to give him the letter.

So after the meeting was over, I began working my way back to where he was. Every time I looked and saw where he was, and then was stopped by something else, he had gone to somewhere different. (Did he see me coming and was he trying to avoid it? But I had to get this note to him. Cheesey Middle School Style, yes... but I had to.)

Stopped by Drama Queen- "You're coming to dinner with us?" Can't, too tired. (It's true, work yesterday was tiring and I NEEDED extra sleep today.)
Stopped by Not-Doc Boy- "Blah blah blah smalltalk." I notice Derek and his friends are huddle together, and look over in my direction with a smirky smile - his friends, not him. (This is so like Jr. High all over again!) Are they smiling because they're watching how I handle Not-Doc Boy coming at me when they now know I'm not interested? Are they smiling because Derek's doing a beter job at evading me than I am at avoiding Not-Doc? I hate this. I'm nervous. I'll play the game. I can't walk up and give Derek a note like this in front of all his friends.
I go to the girl I visit teach, and try (in-vain as always... I try so hard!) to set up a time to meet with her. "Maybe like during the last ten minutes of church next week" she says... after doing a pretty good job of ignoring me and talking to every other new person that comes up to her - offering them candy. Well, even if she HAD offered me any, I was fasting today, so I would have refused... but I'm already nervous and her with her usual "you're just not cool enough for me" vibe is not helping.
Where'd he go? There putting away chairs. He's somewhat separated from others - for his comfort's sake his talking to me may not be noticed by anyone. His hands are full of chairs, so I just slip it in his shirt pocket and say "I have something for you before I dissapear." "OK" he says cooly.

We joke often about "scary girls." I prefaced the note with: "Warning This Is Scary. (Especially for me.)" Now I just wait for a response... I'm nervous and ready to move far away, meet Mr. Perfect and get on with my life.