The Sacrifice Novel

Any choice we make in life involves sacrifice.
Sacrifice is unavoidable.
The choices we make can be qualified by the quality of the sacrifice.
For example, if you sacrifice fitting in socially by having a drink of alcohol while at a party - that sacrifice is greatly outweighed by the health and mental benefits you get from not taking a drink. Good friends don't care if you drink anyway -

So the question is, which sacrifice is bigger?…
Case: I feel the most important way I can impact the future is through being a mother. Not only do I think I'd be good at it, but I also don't see any other way to have greater influence on the future than raising a child. So far, the relationships where I feel love and loved are with boys who are unable to take me to the temple. There's always been the "religion issue," that results in the final termination of the relationship… with me moving on because I decide to choose the church over the love. When I have been in relationships with LDS boys, it's never been a natural thing. It's been because I force myself to do it. They've always been hard, roller-coaster, torturous work. Sure I loved Derek -although we disagreed about some things that could easily have been a bigger conflict had we had more time together, but that love was one-way and I deserve somebody who loves me back. The opposite was true with MVOB, and the more time I spend away from him, the more I realize I spent my time wondering if I could even stand him. I tried to like him, he was a nice boy - but especially the beginning of love shouldn't be that way.
There's the camp that thinks love is something you have to work to create. I think that camp is wrong. And then, there's the camp that thinks when you find a love that's worth it, you work to keep it. I'm of that camp (although I haven't worked to stay with my loves, because at the time I guess I loved the idea of something I believed in more).

So I was trying hard to figure out how I truly feel about the church for this reason.
I see a tangible eternity in that every choice we make, or action we take, has an eternal chain of consequences. What if eternal life is just that, life-giving/sustaining actions that cycle forward eternally. If I die, never married, that is an end to my increase. None of me will still be impacting the future. Sure some good things I do may have influence, but not as directly.
So, I'm getting to the choice of which sacrifice is bigger/better.

A: Wait in hope of an LDS boy I'm compatable with, never find him, and live a motherless life - still doing good works. Here I would sacrifice everything I want in this life for some belief in what might happen after I die, but which would go against what I see as tangible consequences from day to day.

B: Marry a good LDS boy, who really I'm just settling for. Have kids, make it work, etc. I honestly don't think my dream guy and a good LDS boy are even remotely possibly found in the same person. Even Portland Perfection questioned the church, in the same way that I do, and he's decided to quit participating. Here I would again be sacrificing what I truly enjoy now, for something that might be true after I die.

C: Marry the kind of man who I truly am happy to be with, which based on patterns in my life would not be a member of the church. I would get to be with someone I love, and have children, getting the most I want from this life and seeing real positive effects today - yet sacrifice the consequences that might happen after I die. Of course, with this one there would be other consequences happening in THIS lifetime - for example, my family feeling very bad for me. I love my family - and I know they want what's best for me - but I don't think I believe what they think is best for me and what I think is best for me are the same thing.

Currently, I'm leaning heavily toward choice C. Somebody pointed out to me that it's silly to base a relationship on something I might believe in instead of what I know. It's also silly for me to hold back what I truly feel and believe based on consequences of what others may think.

So there, in answer to you question about where my priorities are, sisterkay. My priorities are that I truly believe being a mother is the best choice I can possibly make, and finding the right partner for me is important.

If I ever choose life outside the church, it's absolutely not because I want to rebel. I still want to be the best person I can be. I just have questions as to whether doing this within the church structure is what I really feel is best.

Sigh. Total openness is scary, but good.

Life is [a] Play

So I thought I had written about this on here, but I guess it was one of those several times where I hit send, and the computer screen says "Cannot Find Server" and since I forgot to save the text, it's lost. I've hardly written anything of substance lately… oh well.

My roommate and I were taking a gorgeous Sunday late evening walk in the Portland rain, and she told me about her first kiss with the boy she still can't get over. We both decided it should be in a movie. Don't you sometimes get the feeling like snapshots of your life could easily be a movie or a play. I often think of my experiences in terms of a romantic comedy.

The next day, I got an email from some students asking if they could use parts of this blog in a play they're writing. Wahoo! I can't wait to see what they do with it. It will probably be in a completely different setting and context than from what I experienced, but that's part of the adventure.

Thank you random readers!
-Yellow

Sudden Immersion

I met YF's entire family last weekend. He mentioned he was taking "the kids" (his four young siblings) to see The Incredibles. I asked if I could come to - and it turned out the entire family was there. Well, all but his one sister who doesn't live in Oregon, and the one in-law. (It's a *great* movie, by the way.)

Then, YF remembered he had to babysit the kids that day - so I stayed to help. You can't really beat a day spent playing with kids. We played red light green light in their big back yard (they do live on a farm) and I hopped on a hoppity horse. This kids did my hair with a million clips, gave me a nickname, and goodnight kisses.

Can I just be a mom now please?!!!!