reality hits
Life is not all bliss. In fact, it's been a very not so good day. I'm not going to go into details of my health, because that's not the important stuff. It's about relationships. We'll start with the biggest beef:
Like I've stated before, I'm absolutely in love with White. In fact, I plan on marrying him. This is where the trouble begins. You see, the most important aspect of my life is my religion, and Jesus Christ. When I first met White this was not so important to him, but it came to be. And I know that he did not just change for me. I could definetly see a difference between when he was going to church to make me happy (which I could easily see right through) and when he really believed in it. In my faith, marraige is for eternity, and one of the most important decisions you can make in this life. With your eternal companionship of husband and wife you can progress to the highest kingdom of heaven. I have to explain this for you to understand why what's happening now is such a big deal to me.
I wrote a bit about the time I was on the phone with White and he had an anxiety attack. During that, I asked him if he had prayed, and he said no. I also told him that he should ask for a blessing, and he said he didn't need one. That seriously upset me, and I told him that. I couldn't understand how he could choose to not ask for help from God. Well, I asked him again today if he's asked for one, and he again said he doesn't need one. He chalked before up to his chemicals getting in the way of not thinking clearly. But now that he's not in the midst of a panic attack, he feels that he can handle things. But he's going back to school, looking for a place to live, and a job, and trying to deal with his anxiety. I don't see how he doesn't need a blessing. But he refuses to ask.
On top of that, he missed church last week because he slept in, and this week, he didn't call to find the right one to go to. He went to part of one church and part of another, but wasn't there for the entirety of either. He also didn't ask if anyone was looking for a roomate, which is the original reason I took him to Logan. This also upset me.
But he said it was ok because he did find a place to live. He's decided to accept an offer he was given at the beginning of the summer (and had decided then not to accept) to live with an old friend of ours from Jr. College, and his girlfriend. Besides the fact that he'd be living with an unmarried couple, neither of whom even believe in God, this friend was known to be a big partyer. White said he checked things out and he doesn't party like he used to.
On top of all this, he's not taking his anxiety medicine, and isn't getting therapy or help. He needs to be put on a different medication, and he definetly needs help. I'm getting seriously scared and questioning if this is someone I want to spend eternity with. The hard part is that I really and truly do love him.
I did get to talk to Yellow a bit about it, along with his girlfriend, but they didn't have much advice for me.
I actually wanted to talk to Red about it, but he is a different faith for one thing, and an awful listener for another. (He has a tendancy to speak his mind, and then fall asleep after the first five words of your response.) So then I decided I just wanted a hug from him, but he hasn't returned any of my calls today. I usually don't hear much from him on Sundays, but I wish I could have at least had him call to know that I'm in need of a hug. I should just let him go since he'll be leaving for good in just a few short weeks.
I actually talked to White about my concerns, and as a typical White he couldn't come up with any words to explain himself, and therefore just changed the subject. I did talk to my bishop, and he's very concerned about White not taking care of his anxiety problem. He thinks the other things are a result of his anxiety, and also, if he doesn't treat it I'm in for a very hard life even if White does resolve the other issues.
I've decided to give White some time, and not try to get words out of him. I'll give him some time to proove himself through action, and if these things aren't important enough to him, then I'll have to decide if I should let him go, though it will break both of our hearts.
