My biggest Insecurity

Yup. Family wins. (Ok, that's a good thing.) No boy willing to hang out with Yellow. I can do better, anyway.

Too bad I'm going to be really cute and charming at church tomorrow. Especially since I'm almost done there. If I can finally be brave enough to actually talk to anyone...

---On a Totally Different, and much more serious note---

So why do girls have it figured out that personality and brains really DO matter more than looks (but of course we'll take looks if we can get 'em) but guys will flip if a girl decides to . . . oh, let's say, not shave their legs?

Not all guys, I realize, but seriously. Most cultures out there understand how ridiculous it is to make a woman shave, but in our culture guys literally cringe.

FYI - I am shaving, now. I didn't last summer, for several reasons:
-My boyfriend (Idaho White) not only didn't care, but looked at me and seriously understood, "Why do you shave, anyway?"
-Buying razors, especially ones that do a halfway decent job and don't cause me to brake out in rashes or give me ingrowns are expensive, and I was (am) really poor.
-Rashes, and ingrowns are common, and they don't feel or look pretty.
-The people I knew in the town I lived in weren't bothered by it.
-My father, has always been VERY bothered by women who don't shave. I wanted to see if it was possible to open his (or anyone in my family's for that matter) mind about it. I think it just made them all think I'm even stranger than they already thought I was.
-I have stubble that pricks my legs by the end of the day anyway, and that hurts too. When you just let it grow, it's not a problem. (Guys leg hair isn't a problem.)

-But mostly, it was for my own being ok with myself. Body hair has always been the no.1 thing I've been self conscious about, and was the biggest thing that always made me feel miserable about my self image. For some girls it's weight, or shape, or something else. I've got a great shape, actually. But there are people out there who are fat because they live unhealthy lifestyles, and there are people out there who do everything they can, and are still fat because of some medical condition. And people have stood up and said "get over it!" Loud and clear. People stand up and say "It's ok to be big, you are still beautiful!" But NOBODY says that about the girl with facial hair. People not only think, but say really loudly, "ew gross." Everybody does!

This affected my self esteem in a BIG WAY. So, I did it (not shaving) for myself. If I can appreciate myself and feel beautiful at my hairiest, than I can accept myself the way my Heavenly Father made me, and I can love other people the way Heavenly Father made them too.
It was actually a wonderful experience for me, and I miss having someone like Idaho White around who loved me in such a Christ-like way.

But now, I shave again. I don't have that kind of support, and right now, I feel like I'm *so much* "in the world," with big city and hip fashion all around me (instead of my little granola-artsy town) that even at my dressiest I feel like my linens are not fine twined enough. It's hard enough finding an LDS guy who suits my tastes, but one who would be ok with me not shaving? I gotta let them have that for now -

But I don't want to change. I want to stick to my belief that modesty is truly humility in appearance - not just covering yourself, but not getting "holier than thou" based on style or name brand. If you don't know me, no - I am not a slob, and I'm not ugly. I actually love dressing up. I am confident enough not to wear make-up, and most people these days are learning to be ok with women letting their face show.

But I really really wish people could truly love all things about who they are. Yes, exercise, eat healthy, have good hygiene, care for your body-temple. But let it be loved how it was created! You ARE SO BEAUTIFUL - and so am I.

You'll never love who you want to be if you can't love who you are right now.

Bothersome & Flopp (good cat names!)

I find anonymous commenters irritating. At least come up with some silly name or something. Creativity is a requirement when dealing with a Yellow.

On a brighter note - I bought a big floppy hat to wear for my next three Saturdays of working all day in the sun. I've only purchased one hat before--A baseball cap from Disneyland. Baseball caps look terrible on me. I almost bought this cowgirlish hat, YeeHaw!, but then I saw it in the mirror and it was icky on me. I then decided I'll just go out and get sunburned (no matter how much sunscreen, scalp burn happens). Then I just randomly tried on floppy hat and a big smile happened in the mirror.

I rarely shop, or buy anything *new* for that matter, but when a hat can make me smile like that... it's for work. Yes. A Floppy Work Hat. Good.

Parents are good and all -

but when you spend every weekend hanging out with them, it makes it difficult for the girl who is pursuing you (but not yet at the stage of being invited to the parents - that can be a big stage for some) to ever get to do anything on weekends.

Hey Derek! This is my last non-working weekend before I might be leaving town! Do you realize what you're missing?

(I obviously heard from Derek. He's been out of the office, so he hasn't read emails.)

Maybe Not -

It's possible the really good Monday Evening scared Derek a little, as I haven't heard from him since. But I'm going to vote that he's just been busy. Hopefully I'll hear from him before tonight, as I'll be out his way for a career development workshop tonight and tomorrow.

Sometimes I know how to share...

but only sometimes. Here's an email and reply I received today about this very blog! (>emailer, *me)

>I've spent about 10 minutes reading your blog. You sound interesting... that color thing seems like too much like a mlm racket though. I'm still trying to figure out that 4 letter personality test scheme ( I forget it's name). I haven't figured out your age yet, or where you're from... but I'm here outside of Winston-Salem.

*Thanks for reading. mlm? I'm sorry, I don't know what that stands for. The 4 letter thing is called Meier-Briggs. They've dubbed me an ENXP (Equally split between an ENFP and an ENTP). I wouldn't call it a scheme, though it's not something to live your life by. I don't LIVE by the color code, it just fits me, that's all. They are both based on different things, all interesting. (I took psychology of personalities in college - didn't learn much new info, as its always been a hobby of mine, but the two tests are different schools.)

You'll be able to figure my age if you read one of the first few blogs. (Don't forget to read its date - I'm a few years older now.) I'm not really from anywhere right now. It's just a life stage. I'm from wherever I've been. Huh? Exactly. You're in NC, or MA? I may go to... well either one... next. I don't know. They are both in the running.


>So would Dwight Yokam be too much like Brooks and Dunn? What about Beck's latest? or Elvis Costello's more country influenced stuff.

*No. Your musical taste is approved. :)


>I spent most all of my twenties married, so I never experienced the "Dating" lesson.


*And you are now how old? Oh, it's too bad you missed that lesson! It's great. (I wouldn't really know, as I attend RS, but that was said with the heartiest sarcasm.)

> After my 20s I felt too much like the guys we made fun of during my pre-mission years. You know the one's who the girls upon seeing would with desperation snatch the closest guy to them at the slight hint of movement in their direction.

*The "Social Mis-fits." Yes, I know them. Very well.

>I'm not sure if I agree with your dating for fun, just getting to know her philosophy.

*What? Dating must begin as fun, or it will never go anywhere with me. First Fun, THEN Friends, THEN let something develop. People that want SOMETHING before they even know someone scare me, and are usually too intensely serious that I end up hurting them because they don't appreciate my playful nature.

>I always remember the "chasity" (sic) talks we got as priests and the fear of eternal damnation those left us with. That was so long ago (but not in a galaxy far, far away).

*Chastity. It's a good way to be. Too bad it left so many afraid to kiss. Poor kids don't know what they're missing! At least the fear of kissing keeps them chaste, though, eh?

>So you do something related to politic's (sic), or did i infer too much?

*Not by way of profession, it's just another hobby. But it could be a profession one day, maybe. I like to do my part to serve my community. I have done some, and will continue, certainly.

>Ever been to Pat's Steaks in Philly or Geno's? Both of them are very good.

*No I haven't, but I'm afraid to trust what people say is very good here. I'm not really into any of the food I've had on the East Coast. I'm more of a "California cuisine" kind of girl. Give me light and healthy and I'm happy.

>going to read more of your musings.

*Enjoy. Thanks again.

Yellow.

What kind of Music do you like?

Having the same, or at least similar musical tastes is a big plus.

I always check out the CD collection. Here's what I look for:

1) Musical taste comes first, of course.
*If I see Brooks & Dunn or anything likeunto it, just ew.
*If I see a bunch of bands I know and like, good.
*If they have bands I like, PLUS a bunch of bands I've never heard of, even better. I always love discovering new music.
2) If the REAL CD's, not burned ones, are dominant, that is a good thing. You understand the value of supporting musicians.
3) Are they kept in good condition, or thrown everywhere and scratched? They don't have to be perfect and alphabetized, just respected.
4) I used to think having several of the same CD's was a good sign, but I have revised that opinion.
*First, because my own collection isn't very good. I'm poor, and if I allowed myself to purchase all the CD's I'd like, I'd have to use my "flirt for food" method much more frequently.
*Plus, I have a bad knack of somehow owning the worst CD of every good artist.
*Most importantly, were this CD collection eventually to become part joint property, I would much rather have our music collection double, than end up with a bunch of pointless duplicates.

I haven't decided

A phone call from a job interviewer for a cool place in Rural Mass. called to see if I could meet with him in NY tomorrow for my third interview. I told him I wasn't sure if I could get off work, but I would check.

I was then unsure what to do. I'm not so sure I want the job, and even if I could get work off, was it worth it taking a day off work and paying for a trip to New York for a job I'm unsure about?

What are the cons to this job? Basically, rural Massachusetts, and that's it. It's perfect for my career goals, but imperfect for my life goals. Can I really tell someone I don't want a great job just because I'd rather be in a city area where I can have a better social life. Turning down a great job because I'd rather play more doesn't make much sense to most people.

But I'm a Yellow! That's what it's all about. AND, if what I REALLY want out of life is to be a mother, than I have to do what it takes find a husband. And that means play time.

Well, my boss said it's not enough time for me to get off anyway, so that answers that.

Time Well Spent

Derek treated me to dinner at Panera, "Putt-putt" mini golf (where I made a fantastic comeback an the second nine, and won with a decided victory), one game of air hockey, one episode of "Malcom in the Middle," plenty episodes of tickles and snuggles, and one real compliment. Thank you. You're welcome. It was great.

I like how he lets me dump all my complaints in my "don't pity me, I just want to tell somebody" way. He asks for them ("How was Valley Forge and Dancing"), then listens, then smiles and says some Slovak word that is exactly like when my mother would say "poor baby" - meaning I have no sympathy, so quit your complaining at get over it, but I still think you're a great person. I wish I could remember how to spell that word. It sounds like Hoo-Dee-air-Kuh. I know it stars with a "Ch" in its spelling.

It Worked

In my response to Derek's almost daily email, I warned him that Yellow Time is in short supply, as I may be moving soon. It worked!

He called me to do something today, before I was done at work. Although I have to drive out to his place, he gets to foot the bill. :)

I'm off!

It's the Optimistic Pessimist thing.

Plan for the worst, but hope for the best. I forgot to do that last weekend, and ended up disappointed. It seems every time I plan on having a fun weekend, it doesn't happen. No dancing Friday or Saturday - even though I knew of three different chances I had to go, they all fell through.

But, if I expect to spend my weekends home alone writing or sleeping, then I'll be much happier when I do get out.

That is probably what will happen anyway as I have to work 3/4 of my Saturdays left here.