Love is Scary

For me, it's scary to admit to how much I don't know if I even believe, and the decision I make regarding "The Sacrifice Novel" will certainly be based on that. I appreciate the outpouring of responses. I'm not easily offended - but I also take all advice with a grain of salt. It's going to come down to my beliefs. I don't, and never will, think the church is a bad thing. I don't want to justify any innappropraite action. I DO, however, want to fully explore my faith and discover once and for all what I actually believe is the best thing to do. It's a lesson I learned way back in 5th grade - the only opinions that matter are mine, and God's.

YF realizes how scary it is that he's in love with me - and whatever happens is almsot entirely in my hands. I could decide to fully 100% embrace what the church says - and he could get hurt, and he knows that. Yet, he isn't letting that stop him from loving me entirely. He knows he could get hurt, and recognizes it's worth the risk.

Wow.

Funny how these opposites keep happening.
First, I love Derek and he can't decide how he feels about me.
Then, MVOB loves me and I can't decide if I like him.
Next, I know Portland Perfection is worth the heartbreak risk and jump into love full force.
Now, my Yellow Farmer has taken that leap.

The Priesthood Issue will always come up, too.

First off, I want to say how much I can feel that people are thinking about me and praying for me. It's a powerful feeling, and I really need it right now.
Most of you don't know that I went to the emergency room this weekend, and I've spent the last three days doing nothing but sleep. I won't get into the details here, but the short of it is that my eardrum burst - probably from an infection, but I hadn't really been sick, so it was surprising.

YF drove me to the ER, and was there to hold me through the pain, and keep me in good spirits. It was my first ER visit without my mom there - and I missed her. (Yes, I've been to the ER several times, including for ear pain the last time I remember going.)

He was really good to me, and kept saying he wished he could do more. I told YF how in the LDS faith, two men would give me a blessing with consecrated oil (he mentioned Catholics have holy oil for sacred rites as well). I told him that I wasn't sure if it really was "the power of God" or just the miraculous effect of the beliefs of those involved, but I know it works. I've been healed before. He said he definitely believes that our minds are very powerful things - whether mind exists in our brain or spirits, or souls… - and told me of some mind exercises that have worked to heal him before. He also said he was sending me as much healing as he could. I said that I knew that. I could see it in his eyes, and feel it. I could.

YF has powerful eyes. He never really has to say anything, I can read his feelings though them. He's got those "lift you from within your soul" eyes. It's how I know he absolutely adores me. How I know he loves me.

He made me great vegetable soup.

Remind me to write more about our "what makes me think this could work?" conversation.