Where I'm Facing

I'm gonna publish a response I just wrote to Idaho White...

Ah [Idaho White]. You need a hug. I can somewhat say I relate [to being "on the edge of becoming many things thatI want to be, so long as I pick up the ball and run with it"] - but I don't know. After you left, I was in a down I haven't been in for a long time. I called you and spoke a bit. I still don't know exactly where things are headed, but I decided to quit doubting and just love life and each moment as it comes to me. I'm very glad your religious beliefs are close to full alignment. I'm just curious, you saying to never cross them again... how had you crossed them? Anyway, that doesn't really matter. What matters is where you are now, and which direction you're facing. I feel I was headed so strongly in an upward direction that I hit some stop and rest point, and now I don't really know which direction I'm facing. I know where I want to go, I'm just wondering about the path to take. So, I decided to quit wondering and attempting to forge a path and just accept the path that comes to me, as long as it's headed toward my destination.

I've been staying up WAY TOO late the last little bit, but it's actually been productive... more poetry, revisions on my "Fall" story, progress on ESTA... and worn myself down past the point of fighting against things I don't need to fight. The internal peace of conscience is there, just working out some final kinks and the external peace of mind will return... I'm on the brink of it too.

Read "Follow Up..." first

So it's been a few weeks since all the DTR and L-word stuff happened.

Last week was a rough one. All week long, every time I was with Mvob he irritated me. ...I must qualify...

He does everything right:
*He got me flowers and a card last week, 'cause he could tell I was "down"
*He tried teasing me to cheer me up
*He especially went out of his way to plan on spending Friday night with me, something that hasn't happened much since he started school and full time graveyard shift work.
*He asks me what he can do to be better
*He compliments me in all the right ways

So that fact that being with him was bothering me so much was bothering me even more than he was. It's really only one thing about *him* that was the source of all my irritation. This, I must admit, is really shallow. The best way I can describe it is, ya' know that guy on the dance floor who's so into making sure he has the best time possible that he's flailing all over the place, (with no rhythm) and hitting everyone around him without realizing it? Mvob is that guy. He's just so unaware of what's around him, in things he's saying or doing, that it's begun to really bother me. It especially bothered me as we went to the Erin McKeown concert last Saturday night, and he was trying to cheer me up by acting even sillier. So, he would grab my arms and make me do silly things... not realizing that his grabbing my arms and hitting those bony things against eachother was rough and hurt me (mildly, but it doesn't make me happy) so I get more down rather than up. Or when he throws his coat over my head tightly, scraping my face in the process. Just a build up of those types of things.

Also, his listening skills are getting on my nerves. I've had to tell him several things over and over again. "No, Jenny cannot come over for dinner on Sunday and therefore we're not inviting the girls we visit teach, it will only be us and your home-teachees." And then, three hours later, "Has Jenny told you if she can come?" "Are you inviting your girls over?" "So should I still invite me people?" "Is it cancelled?" How many times to I have to repeat this! etc.
And so, these little things are not really things I can easily bring up in a constructive way to talk about. So he just continues to wonder what's bothering me, and I continue to be bothered, especially by the fact that I'm bothered. Does this sort of thing really matter? Should it? How does it weigh? He's got the things that really matter, but if this is bothering me this much now, will it be something I can learn to put up with? It bothers me that I don't have the patience which I thought I had developed. Would it be better to keep myself in this situation to learn more patience, or to continue seeking someone who fits my wants better.

It comes to, as I was telling Idaho White when he came to visit... I'm beginning to realize the boys I like to date, and the boy I'd like to marry are not the same guy. Mvob doesn't fit in the boys I like to date category. But is this all because he's just so different than anyone I've delt with before?

So, Mvob finally got me to talk to him about all this yesterday, but I still don't feel any better about any of it. I told him I don't want him to want to change everything about himself to fit who I want him to be, because if he did that, then I wouldn't honestly know what I was getting into. It's post committed partnership that we can do everything to please eachother and change for the other person, but before that I want to do everything I can to accept the person including all their flaws. I think he got it.

But I still need to evaluate. Am I wanting to stick with him just because I'm worried I won't find someone that does have the important qualities that he does have? Am I wanting to dump him over such silly things?

It's been a very long time since I've dumped someone over something shallow. Especially in such a short time period... without moving to another state to make it so much easier on both of us....

I don't know what will happen!!!

Follow Up on the last post...

Too much happens, and when I don't have internet at home to keep me up too late after work, things don't get posted... what with Idaho White coming to visit, and the stresses of this week and all.

So OK, OK, I'll write something already. I'm at the point where I really need to anyway.

So here's the deal. I'm at the point in my life where I'm getting that irritating itch to settle down, and I wanna be a Mom, which for me means having a husband. Which also means I'm taking those I date seriously. Not in the sense of saying "let's get married!" right away, but in the sense of evaluating early on if things could head in that direction, or if I'm wasting time. Usually this is not something I think about until month six or so in a relationship. But it's time to be impatient!

So, I was praying about whether things were going in a positive direction, or if I was wasting my time to realize it sooner rather than later. The only kind of answers I was getting was to bring it (the concept of praying about "us") up with him. I didn't want to do that! That would freak him out and make him think I'm talking about marraige already or something.

But then, after a few weeks of postponing any follow through on that one, he asked me if there was anything in particular he could do for me, overall. A way to treat me even better, or whatever. I couldn't think of anything initially, he already does so much that is thoughtful and tries to please me in every way. But then, later it hit me. Ok, I thought, time to bring "it" up. So I told him the one thing he could do for me is to pray about me. Of course, I said it will all sorts of qualifications - not the "should I marry this girl" type of praying, just the "is it right to be with her, are things headed in the right direction" type praying.

This led into the extended DTR (Determine the Relationship). Level 2 is just whatever happens after the initial DTR of "We are boyfriend and girlfriend" or whatever the determination result is. He said he didn't want to rush into any decisions that have to do with marraige... He said he's seen too many people make mistakes that way.
I said my opinion on that matter was I don't want to rush either, but no matter what the timeline is people make mistakes, and the surest way to make mistakes is not having inspiration from God as part of the picture. As long as that level is there throughout, there's no chance of "making a mistake." That is not to say that I don't recognize that marraige is something that takes a lot of work for any lasting commitment to really happen.

He said he hadn't been praying about me and/or us because he realized he probably wouldn't be able to accept any answer he received at that point - be it "break up with her" or "get serious." I said it doesn't have to be that kind of prayer. Instead, it should be, "Am I headed in the right direction, or should I switch gears?"

He also said he was glad I brought this up, because he had been hesitant to tell me, but now he felt he could tell me that he really thinks he's falling in love with me. I told him that's sweet, but I'm not at a point where I can say that yet. I think he's great, but the L word is not one that hits me swiftly, nor do I prioritize it as the most important factor in potential marraige companion.