Bummer

I wanted to go camping tonight! Derek and I had been planning it since Monday - but we can't find ANYONE else to go... and therefore he called me last night to say it's a No Go. I'm so bummed!

We're still gonna do something tonight, but I'm not really excited. It will be the first one-on-one time with Derek in a while, but there's no excitement for that like there used to be. Mostly 'cause we won't be camping.

Moving On, I hope...

So Derek and I were trying to recruit for camping, and got mostly no's, but I think it's still a go. We found a few people to go. With an undercurrent of understanding Derek said, "I can probably persuade Not-Doc Boy to be there if you want." I immediately shook my head no, and there was an unspoken OH! from Derek.

Later I said, "Yeah, about that. Don't encourage him. It's been a little overwhelming as of late - but you don't know what that's like." With an added wink (reffering to my own behavior toward Derek, as well as formerly mentioned blonde girl).

Smile and nod, "No, not at all."

"But I just want to be friends with you... so." and it stopped there.

I don't want to be to Derek what Not-Doc Boy is to me... but there ARE important differences. I have been honest from the get go with Not-Doc Boy that I am not interested in that way. I will smile and flirt, and let him take me out and such... but I never kissed him, and the little bit of hand holding was all his doing and I even told him it was too much. He occasionally puts his arm around me, but he does that with others. I don't settle in, or even attempt to cuddle with him, and he still just keeps being right there -
DEREK held my hand, HE did kiss me, and as he'd never kissed anyone before, I thought he meant something by it. And when I cuddle, even though we clarified nothing is meant by it... he cuddles back. But now we are clear, and know he just wants a friendship - but he will sometimes give personalized flirtations.

So I'm not going to deal with any of it. I'm totally not interested in anyone - which makes the idea of not staying in the area based on whatever job I get just fine. And I'll begin again my efforts to meet NEW guys here too.

He's Only Trying to Help...

Derek and I are planning a camping outing for Friday - and planning to invite a bunch of people. He personally emailed Not-Doc Boy to invite him. I was hoping he wouldn't be there. He called to tell me he couldn't come.

I know they're friends, but is Derek personally inviting him because he knows how much Not-Doc Boy likes me... you know "Yellow's going to be there"... or just because they're friends? Not-Doc Boy isn't the camping type at all. He's the hip-hop let's play basketball or tennis type. Nice guy, not my type. Derek is the folk & indie rock camping and outdoors as much as possible type. I know.

I'm going to tell Derek not to be helpful... don't HELP Not-Doc Boy have more opportunities with me. He's really starting to bother me... He's a nice guy, I don't want to hurt his feelings, but more and more I KNOW I'm not interested.

What do they REALLY mean?

Derek and my dad are always telling me to be good. (Instead of Goodbye.) Do they doubt?

Should I...

Remember the list... and how I need to hang on to the "must haves" and be willing to compromise on the "I'd like him to haves" ? Well, as far as marraige goes, being LDS is a must have. So does that mean I don't even go out with boys who aren't? I mean - I really do know how easy it is to fall in love, and how hard it is to really look hard at and evaluate those "must haves."

I don't want to be too serious about everything from the get-go . . . but I also don't want to be wasting too much more time.

Also - if I do even go out with non-Mormon boys, Mormon boys who I would like to date look down on me and think I have lower standards - and that's not a good thing.

But what if I'm only here for a few more months anyway. It wouldn't be long enough to fall in love with any non-Mormons - and then it would kind of be a waste of time not to date whoever I get a chance to. Every date, and every relationship (whether its major or not) is a preparation. It teaches you how to deal with different people, and further develop your relationship skills so that when you do find one to commit your life to, you can have good experience under your belt.

And Derek will probably never get around to liking me enough anyway.

I think I'll casually ask Derek his opinion of girls who date non-members.

Or I could always just have as much fun as possible one moment at a time... But that's what I did in North Carolina, and that had disasterous consequences. But that wasn't my fault! I didn't know those boys were mentally unstable!

Swing Free Rider...

And then there was dancing. I had never driven into the city (Philly) on a weekend night before - and was unprepaired for the long time to find parking - and then to actually find where the dancing was. It was on UPenn's campus - which I know close to nothing about. There was some large event going on, so swarms of students were out and about - drunk.

I finally found the dance, found a corner to hide my stuff in, and found the guy who invited me to be there. He needs a name... this new guy - 'cause its possible there will be more talk of him. He interviewed me for a job a few weeks ago... at a political related organization (and yes - its leftist)... he's cute, he dances relatively well (not a hardcore lindy hopper, but a good lead for sure)... I'm interested... but he's of course not Mormon. We'll call him Boss Man. Yes, that's perfect. It's fits swing lingo, politics, and how I met him.

So Boss Man was a good dancer, and pointed out a few people I should dance with. I danced with a few more people who pointed out more people I should dance with. And thus the night continued. I sat down for only a few songs - so i could breathe - and had to turn down about two people per dance I sat out. Tiring - and more fun than I've had dancing in a looong time.

After dancing, "the regulars" go out to a local diner and eat. Boss Man invited me, another guy, who was friends with Boss Man invited me, and yet again, a third guy invited me. Success - when you dance well enough that you get invited to "hang out with the dancers" your first night in the new town. And hanging out was a great time too.

There was a group of people from church there as well - I said hello to them, but otherwise was too busy dancing with people who knew what they were doing. One tried to dance with me, but he was doing the country (wanna-be-a-swing-dancer) style where they have no rhythm, mave as fast as they can, and rip your arms out in the process. I stopped - because I'm unwilling to let a guy hurt me - and went back to dancing with real swing dancers. The church people now believe me... I told them I can dance! :)

But this interest in Boss Man brings up all sorts of complicated issues, which I'll probably write about in my next post.

A Picnic in the Park -

Not-Doc Boy had been bugging me all week to do something on Saturday. Of course, I was already going dancing Saturday night - so it had to be a daytime activity.

Well, I just got a map of a nearby state park - and discovered there's a large lake with a beach within five miles of my place. So, we had a great picnic (well - he selected the food, and I'm too picky about food to be overly imppressed... but I'm happy he made his own decisions about food for once) on a great day outside.

We talked more about our previous dating experiences. He never dated because he was insecure about being overweight. It's surprising to believe he was ever either. He comes off as so confident, and he's very fit. I thought the talk was good enough for him to really understand that I think he's a great guy, but there's just no interest in him as a boyfriend. But he was still his constantly pursuing self on Sunday, so I think I'm going to have to spell things out in black and white for him.

A Picnic in the Park -

All Night Frisbee...

I was a popular girl around 2:30pm last Friday. Survival Boy called to say "A bunch of people are getting together to watch A Pyromaniac's Love Story, and we need to know if you and the movie will be there."

Then, I'm told Derek is on another line calling! Derek has first priority. . . so I tell Survival Boy I'll call him back. Derek likes the idea and says "Let's Do It" so I called Survival Boy back to say, Yes, the movie, Derek, and I will all be there.

"So are you two dating?" asks Survival Boy... He heard (A while ago) something about Derek going out (on a few dates) with "a Yellow." (names changed for my privacy.) As he knows several Yellows, he didn't know who. But he actually saw Derek and I together at one point and made the connection. (Although, I know Derek HAS been out a few times with another Yellow.) But "no" I reply. "We go on dates - but we're not together. I like him, but oh well." "Well Derek's a good guy"
"I Know!"
So I dig a little. He heard - there was talk of me? What was said??? Nothing good or bad, just that he had been on same dates with me. But there was talk... so even if he's afraid to be seen with me in public, he's not so afraid that he hides the fact that we've been on dates. That's a step.

Survival Boy's best friend is a really cute Dental Student... whom he had encouraged to go after Derek 'cause he's a good guy. Luckily for me - she was really far too agressive and scared him off. I think I've written about this before.... so back to what happened Friday.

Shortcut to the action:
We meet up in Philly. Not Doc Boy, Survival Boy, and Derek are all there (as well as others). We walk to the park - and Not-Doc boy is doing his usual paying attention to only me. We play frisbee. I'm the only girl whe plays. I have lots of energy. Life is good.

Then, it's time we decide to go watch movie and order pizza. (Not Doc pays my portion for the pizza.) I have to walk back to my car and get the movie first, and Derek has to go put away his frisbees (The Jumbo Mother, and Lightning). Drama Queen girl has to get games out of her car, and Not Doc boy just wants to go wherever I go. So the four of us take a detour on the way to the party apartment.

Drama Queen (don't get me wrong - I don't mean to be negative, she's a great person, Drama Queen just describes how she is) is obviously noticing that both guys are paying attention to me, and neither are giving her the attention every Drama Queen needs. I'm all for Not-Doc Boy giving her attention... but the Yellow in me just loves the attention as well - so I soak it up.

Not-Doc Boy sees a couple walking and proclaims "PDA!" "What," I say, "You have a problem with it?" "No - not really" he replies.
Derek and I are flirting over the frisbee. "PDA!" announced Not Doc Boy. So I go over and give him a quick hug so he can get some PDA too - but go right back to giving Derek my attention.

At the movie - Derek sat next to me . . . but still with enough distance and inattention to me that he felt comfortable not letting anyone else think anything of our sitting next to eachother. Later, after the movie, my back was hurting. Not Doc boy helped by pounding on it for a little while. I wasn't complaining.

Then... even more frisbee. This time, it was a little colder outside - so I used some body heat. Linked arms with Derek on the right and Not Doc Boy on the left. And that's pretty much how the night went.

Derek and I decided at the same time that we needed to go home. So finally, we had some one on one time on the walk back to our cars. (Derek was a walking zombie at this point, but my energy had only just begun to wane.) But at this point - suddenly - there was no flirting, and hardly any talking. He walked near the other side of the sidewalk, and didn't even come close to a hug before he got into his car. He almost didn't even SAY goodbye. I'm going to mark it up to tiredness - only because I don't want to place any meaning where it may not belong. (No really, I'm not in denial.)

Soon to be dancing with new possibilities...

So I thought about going dancing Saturday when Survival Bay mentioned he was going, but when I got home that night it became clear - I was definetly going. There was a message on my answering machine from a previously unmentioned boy - letting me know about dancing this weekend and telling me I should be there. So there it was.