What if What is

Love has been on my mind.
As a question.
Not what if-
but what IS
LOVE.

I remember how I first loved.
the boy of games and beauty
quiet, patient, persistence
commitment.
I still do-

I'm sorry for you
Love.

I wonder how I could have loved
the boy with timing.
loud, temper, fleeting
unreal.
A lesson learned.

I'm sorry for you
Love.

In awe I see one Loved.
the boy of soul and truth
everything as at first
and more.
And questioning my deepest desires,
I revere,

and wish you well,
Love.

I linger on a missed Love.
the boy of fear and tears
laughter, music, hope-
lost hope-
A lesson taught.

I wanted to BE
Loved.

Love has been on my mind.
Not what if, but what is.

I hadn't expected this

I don't know what I did expect, but not this. I don't know, I guess I thought I was totally over Idaho White or something. But seeing him... everything suddenly feels just like it did when I was here, well kind of. There is this awkward unnatural feeling of not snuggling with him or holding his hand or whatever. I'm pretty sure he's seeing someone right now anyway... I haven't gotten further details from that since they first got together.

Everything is the same as it was, minus everything physical.

At the same time, nothing I felt when I was away from him has changed either. I still know that we're taking different paths in lives and that it wouldn't work out between us. But I REALLY enjoy being with him. This reminds me of the poem I wrote the other day - (I'm writing from Idaho Whites computer right now... I wonder if I can sneak off safely... here goes risk!) -

Growing Up Again

I Feel like Wendy Moyra
Angela Darling.
I've had fun Games
with Peter-
And though it was a Great
Adventure
I'm ready to Hook a
Pir-
husband.


(Inpired by live action Peter Pan movie, 2004.)

Faith and Love

Relationships are a matter of faith in action which leads to knowledge. A loving healthy relationship is always the desired result. But it requires acts of faith each step of the way. Faith that if you talk to the person, they'll talk back. Faith that your compatible interests could lead to a positive partnership. Faith that if you give this person love, it will be well received. Faith that this person will deal with you honestly. It takes CONSTANT faith to maintain a good relationship.

But is the faith IN the relationship the most important thing? No! It is the tool to achieve the result.

My would-have-been relationship with Derek didn't happen because of his fear in trusting his faith when he didn't have full knowledge. He knew he liked me, and that I liked him, and that everything was great - but he was unwilling to invest when he was unsure what the future would be. He wouldn't ask me to stay because he didn't want to feel responsible if somewhere down the line things didn't work out, and he had asked me to stay. THIS is lack of faith which led directly to lack of knowledge. Knowledge in this case must follow faith. And, relationships require the faithful ACTION of BOTH parties to exist.

Going Home

I had Dad give me a Father's Blessing last Sunday. Our entire family used to get them at the beginning of each school year. Now there is no school year for me, and I hardly see Dad. But, as I'm here visiting parents now, and will be starting a new job in a new city - I figured it was a great time.

Balanced between the words in the blessing he gave me about finding a mate who will see the beauty in me (Did I ever post that poem on here?), the last blessing I received before I began my job hunt which said what I'll be doing (for my new job) will be secondary to where I will be, and my overall feeling of complete calm - seriously no worries (just wonders) - I think I'm getting ever closer to finding a good companion.

I've moved a lot lately. Every move has felt great and exciting and right. But this time, for the first time, I feel like I'm headed home.

Do I Miss Him?

Yes - but not in that longing my heart is going to dissolve without him way. I think I'm too independent to get that feeling. In this area, I think I inherited my mother's way of dealing. My dad turns to mush. Porridge. Yogurt.

I really miss Derek's sense of humor. Not that it's so much above anyone else's, but because it was so exactly like mine. Others have had very compatible humor styles - but Derek has MY style.

I also miss his complimenting style, which he grew in and adapted from my style of giving and accepting compliments.

He was a perfect equal match when it came to playing games as well. Neither of us sore winners or losers, but we will be totally competitive and try to win. Every game we played seemed to be a neck and neck equal match.