Evaluation Report

When we talked Wednesday night, we decided we both played opposite rolls from what we usually do, and neither of us are very good at them. I'm not good at pursuing, and he's not good at being pursued.

I told him it felt like middle school all over again, where everyone is very awkward, although back then it was awkward bays pursuing me to no avail. Now I empathize with them a little more.

Derek reaffirmed that he really did like me the whole time, and assured that's he's not indecisive like this in other aspects of his life. That I already knew.


He's taking me to a Phillies vs. Atlanta Braves game after work today. It should be fun.

It's right

It's totally official. Phone calls have been made. Portland here I come. The more I learn about Portland the more excited I get. I've been looking into living situations and areas of town to live in, and which singles ward to attend there. http://ldslinkup.com is a great tool. I search for Portland, send a message to people there, and have found some wonderfully helpful people. :)

Derek called just to work out Saturday plans. He's going to join the volunteers and mylself doing great manual labor here at "the farm" and then we're gonna hop in the car and head out to the Jersey Shore. He said it was bittersweet talking to me, and he'd better say goodnight before it became more bitter than sweet.

There I go - breaking another heart. But this one is entirely not my fault! I did more than I've ever done to prevent it. But, no more being persuer. Now I will stick to being persued. I'm better at it.

It felt like goodbye,

though he called it a class evaluation. After class last night, I trickily avoided being taken out by someone else so Derek and I have could have one last go of Yellow time before the official decision.

At first I began to second guess my decision. Then we sorta recounted everything that happened since the first time we met. It was a good night, of sorts. But it went on too long, I'm too tired now, and I didn't get a kiss at all. I probably could have gotten one before we began talking, but I didn't trick him into it. Anything other than a final goodbye kiss is going to have to be his doing. Which means, it most likely won't happen.

I really hope every time we hang out before I leave doesn't feel like goodbye. It's not really goodbye. Remember, moving on doesn't have to be letting go.

But it did reconfirm my decision by the end of the night. I AM moving.

It's not the End

So I was thinking and thinking and thinking, trying to decide what to do. I called my mother and talked it out with her. I called my father and talked it out with him. I guess I think too much like them, because they didn't have anything to tell me that I hadn't already thought about.

Then I talked to one of my roommates, who's about to have her 10 year anniversary with her partner, and has had to do several bouts of longdistancing. All the ideas of Derek and I working out were there, and all the realistic thoughts that the worst and best case scenarios whether I stay or go were there, and I wasn't really worried.

She pointed out that me being able to find another job wouldn't be a problem. I've had plenty of call backs and interviews, and all for very good jobs. But, I wouldn't get to start looking again until mid-June, and then it may be another six months or who knows how long before I find the next good job. I may as well take this opportunity in Portland, as I would already have six months of experience under my belt by the time I would even begin another job elsewhere.

If something is going to happen between Derek and I, it still will. He/we can make the effort to travel to see eachother and although he does have a more permanent type job, he's not locked in to staying here.

Then I felt great. That's it then! Nothings stopping me. I'm going to Oregon.

So then, it was happy times through American Idol time at Grandma's house (that's the name of the house where I live at my work) my home teacher came to teach me for the last time before we both move. The lesson he had prepared was on making Choices. Funny that. The line that stood out to me most was that not making a choice IS a choice. And thus, Derek had made a choice.

After that I called Derek, to let him know I had decided on Portland. Suddenly, he realized how really sad the thought of me leaving made him. I told him all the great reasons to go, and even that things don't have to be over, and he was only thinking how stupid he's been to not recognize what he's had all this time. "Well," I said "If you think I'm making a big mistake stop me now!"

Portland here I come. Let the next adventure begin! Whether it's me or another girl, I think Derek won't let his opportunities pass him by so easily next time.

He's making an effort

Derek called me at lunch. He has a class to review for his engineering certification exam after work today, so he wanted to make sure and get in touch with me.

Of course his answer was "I do like you, and if you go I'll buy your children's book when it comes out, and show Yellow Appreciation from time to time. I don't know if that's a good enough answer for you, but with the deadline and all, that's what I've come up with."

"And what if I stay?" says I.

"Well, I might still buy your book, and there would still be Yellow Time." laugh.

"Would anything change?"

Silence. Thinking. "I guess I would step it up a notch, but I don't think I'm prepared for anything big."

What is it with these Mormon boys and thinking just having a girlfriend is such a big deal?! It's only dating, with the benefit of not having to figure out who to call when you need a date.

As usual. Clear as cellophane.

The DTR - Training Wheels

Derek came over last night. He had fair warning of what was ahead (I just told him we needed to talk in person) and the fear was evident in his face when he arrived. I could have just not mentioned it at all and sprung things on him, but I don't think that would have been fair.

So we spent time on the new Ikea comfy futon outside under the pavilion, and compared notes on a class we both took, with a little study. Then we finally got around to the scary stuff.

What's scary about it is that there is a timeline. I have to accept or refuse this Portland thing by Thursday, so he really does have to choose.

He kept "trying to find loopholes" as he put it - just speaking in hypotheticals and saying pros and cons for me. All the things I already know.

It was a long night. I wouldn't say we got nowhere... but there was no definite conclusion. We had a good talk, and I got some good compliments. He's great at compliments.

At the heart of the problem:
He's an engineer. He thinks there's some sort of formula for how a relationship works. Since nobody has taught him that formula he's afraid to even begin.

I'm an artist. I see all these little tools and colors and possibilities, and love the adventure of seeing what can be created from combinations.

I told him I'd be willing to be his training wheels. I don't even know him well enough to even think about what's going to happen eventually. But how can you enjoy one day at a time if you worry so much about what the outcome is supposed to be? I really don't know if I'll have to use a bike to get around, or ride it just for fun, or become a hardcore cyclist... and therefore I am worried about learning how to ride a bike. Could I give up Portland to be training wheels? Yes. But not if they just stay stored in the garage.

I wrote up a cover letter, and gave my resume to the Director of Development at my current job, applying to be her assistant. She said they wouldn't be hiring until into the summer. I mean, it would have been too easy to help my decision along if she'd have said, "sure, I'll hire you." But she did say she would put me a the top of the list to know when she is beginning to look.

That brings me back to my decision. It's still not definite either way what I'll decide if Derek says stay or go. Another song reference, hurray! The V. Femmes show up all over the place.

The Decision

Yesterday, I fasted and prayed about pondered and meditated and wrote out all the pros and cons of staying here or accepting this job in Portland. At church the Sacrament Meeting (our main meeting, but with different speakers -chosen from the congregation- each week) talks were all about making decisions, and how to clearly know answers.

This is what I decided: Before I decide if I can accept this Portland job, I have to know Derek's real decision regarding us. If he wants me to stay, and if I stay - if he would be a real boyfriend rather than a pseudo boyfriend, then I will refuse this Portland job and work hard to find a job here. If he is still too afraid, or has decided I'm not the one, I will move. He's such a chicken, that I see the second choice as more likely, but we shall see. If he chooses not me, I will not be heartbroken and will easily just move on. He called me to pass the time on his 2hr drive home from his parents' house last night. I talked him into coming over today so we can talk, etc.

Yesterday, one of the scriptures we discussed regarding decision making seemed especially applicable. It reads perfectly with only a few word changes for the whole chapter if Derek does not come back around to really liking me. (I know Derek *is* looking for his future wife, and that he *did* like me when we "commenced.") I will give a short excerpt: D&C ch. 9
v7 - Behold, you have not understood; you have supposed that I would give it unto you, when you took no thought save it was to ask me.
v9 - But, behold, I say unto you that you must study it out in your mind; and then you must ask me if it is right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right.
v9 - But if it be not right you shall have no such feelings, but you shall have a stupor of thought that shall cause you to forget the thing which is wrong; therefore, you cannot date that which is sacred save it be given you from me.
v10 - Now, if you had known this you could have dated; nevertheless, it is not expedient that you should date now.
*v11* - Behold, it was expedient when you commenced; but you feared, and the time is past, and it is not expedient now;
v12 - for, do you not behold that I have given unto my daughter Yellow sufficient strength, whereby she is made up? And neither of you have I condemned.