Reboot

I thought I was ok again. Well, actually, I am ok. But I woke up with the blues song "Goodmorning, heartache" in my head. Then, at lunch today - I was sitting with my "Wild Ideas" journal trying to think of ways I can experience being less cautious. What I can do to allow myself to feel like I have for the past month - even without him. I began crying. Dang!

Just now I checked my email. I keep secretly hoping for a reply to the email I wrote last Monday. It's kind of what I was referring to in my last post. Well, there was a reply, short, unsubstantial, just acknowledgement. My email shows exactly when they sent the email. It was exactly at the same time I was sitting at home crying, and I haven't shed a tear since I got it all out on Sunday.

Who cares if I'm imagining coincidences. It's still fun to think that means something.

I hate lack of closure

I would at least like to hear something like "you're right. I have to have nothing to do with you to be fair to her." Hearing nothing, absolutely nothing at all, kinda wierds me out. At least a goodbye. At least a no more. But not nothing.

Analysis

I've always been an overly cautious person. That doesn't mean I hide who I am from others - - - for example...
When I was little I took ballet for a very short time. I quit because they wanted me to do a cartwheel. I tell people I was upset because cartwheels are not part of ballet. The truth is it was mostly because I was afraid if I tried to do a cartwheel, the weight of my body would make my arms bend and I would land flat on my head. Landing on my head would cause pain. Therefore, it's just not worth it to attempt a cartwheel.
Same thing with riding a bike. I would sit in the back yard for hours next to poles I could hang onto trying to balance in place. I thought, if I was stationary I could catch myself and not fall, but if I was moving, not only would it be harder to stop from falling, but it would hurt worse when I hit.
I repelled off a wall as part of a leadership thing once, but I insisted on moving very, very slowly.

And thus I am with relating to people. I will dance. I will ride the bike. I will repel. I will date. I will love.
But I let my attachments and heart move very, very slowly. If I make sure to analyze and be very logical before letting emotions get involved, then I won't get hurt. It's how I've managed to move on from relationships and remain very good friends with people. It's how I stay in control. It's why I'm most often the dumper instead of the dumped.

I risked with Derek, and it hurt. But really - not all that bad. I ended up totally ok, and had a lot of fun in the process.
I risked with Portland Perfection, and it hurt. But really - there was so much joy and depth in the connection as well as in the hurt.

Without risk there are no giant graceful leaps through the air. There are no fast downhill rides with the wind blowing through your hair. There are no adrenaline rushes when you safely fly off the cliff. There is no passion.

It's interesting the kind of things people say when I tell them PP broke my heart last weekend. It's usually something about how you'll find someone, or your friends are here for you, or something. My feelings about those things: yeah, big deal, that really has nothing to do with how I'm feeling right now. I'm feeling like I should take more risks. It's a great rush to jump off the safe wall of logic. That doesn't mean I have to extinguish that part of me. I won't. I can't. It just means I have to open another part of myself I always keep guarded. I'm gaining some insight to those people who are "addicted to love." Those people, like my little sister, who always seemed to give their heart way too quickly. It's a rush!

The Blues

I had scheduled a dance practice and dancing with a blues dancing guy for yesterday. Perfect timing! We ended up skipping the focussed practice at his home, and just going straight to the blues club to practice/dance to the live music there. It took me a long time to get in the right mindset, but by the end of the night, I experienced exactly what the blues are supposed to do. I had the blues. Got 'em kinda still, but I feel great. Healing.

The biggest reason it took me so long to ease up and let the connection and the music and the dancing really happen for me is that the club ended up being directly accross the street from Portland Perfection's place. Small city big adventure with emotion.

Revision - Closed Door

When I did talk to him, something was there. I may have changed my mind when I said we'll definetly remain good friends.

I saw him, them, at the performance last night... it was definetly weird.

For her sake, for his, for mine - he's shut the door to us. Our friendship was too powerful, that it can't co-exist with full fair devotion to her.

That hurts much more than the lack of a romantic relationship coming to fruition.

New Adventure

I wanted to write more about my last post, go in to details etc., and perhaps I still will, but I experienced something I’ve never felt in this way before: heartbreak. I’ve never fallen for anyone so fast, never allowed myself to GO with those feelings so fast, and never had the kind of heartache where I randomly burst out into tears throughout the day. I’ve never felt this way.

We’re positively going to remain good friends. It’s like having a new (self named) “Utah Band Boy” in my life. UBB was my best friend-soul mate from almost the time I knew him through now. Still is. We could/can talk about anything totally openly and honestly – and if one of us is holding something back, the other one knows it. We never dated, and both of us decided that was a good thing. UBB is married to a wonderful girl these days… The thing, though, that hurts the most is that I’ve had this wonderful month of constant high, and depth of life that lights my soul on fire. Now, although he will still be in my life, it can’t be the same.

What happened was he got back together with his last girlfriend. They broke up not too long ago, and just as I move on without letting go, still loved her. (I still love all my former loves – just in different ways.) She called him last week, and has made a lot of changes for the better in her life. All the reasons they broke up, the fact that he wants to settle down, have a family, etc… and that she was sure she never wanted to have children at all and just didn’t want to have a life like that… she told him she’s changed her mind. All the things he had always wanted her to say, she called up and said them.

And I don’t think it’s just a random plea to get him back, either. She went through this seminar program, one he’s been through as well, called Landmark Education. It seems to me like a really powerful program for positive effects in people’s lives. She’s gotten over her hang-ups, and so now they decided to get back together.

So, this is what I think is going to happen now: He was really guarded when we talked. I think it’s because he honestly felt very strong things for me – although he did know something was holding him back telling him not to be hasty about us, which is one reason why we never kissed – but he also has a strong history and feelings for her. He decided to choose her, which is why he won’t be the same at all now. If he felt for me so strongly, but chose her, for his and her sake he’ll have to really distance himself from me.

I hurt.