Analysis

I've always been an overly cautious person. That doesn't mean I hide who I am from others - - - for example...
When I was little I took ballet for a very short time. I quit because they wanted me to do a cartwheel. I tell people I was upset because cartwheels are not part of ballet. The truth is it was mostly because I was afraid if I tried to do a cartwheel, the weight of my body would make my arms bend and I would land flat on my head. Landing on my head would cause pain. Therefore, it's just not worth it to attempt a cartwheel.
Same thing with riding a bike. I would sit in the back yard for hours next to poles I could hang onto trying to balance in place. I thought, if I was stationary I could catch myself and not fall, but if I was moving, not only would it be harder to stop from falling, but it would hurt worse when I hit.
I repelled off a wall as part of a leadership thing once, but I insisted on moving very, very slowly.

And thus I am with relating to people. I will dance. I will ride the bike. I will repel. I will date. I will love.
But I let my attachments and heart move very, very slowly. If I make sure to analyze and be very logical before letting emotions get involved, then I won't get hurt. It's how I've managed to move on from relationships and remain very good friends with people. It's how I stay in control. It's why I'm most often the dumper instead of the dumped.

I risked with Derek, and it hurt. But really - not all that bad. I ended up totally ok, and had a lot of fun in the process.
I risked with Portland Perfection, and it hurt. But really - there was so much joy and depth in the connection as well as in the hurt.

Without risk there are no giant graceful leaps through the air. There are no fast downhill rides with the wind blowing through your hair. There are no adrenaline rushes when you safely fly off the cliff. There is no passion.

It's interesting the kind of things people say when I tell them PP broke my heart last weekend. It's usually something about how you'll find someone, or your friends are here for you, or something. My feelings about those things: yeah, big deal, that really has nothing to do with how I'm feeling right now. I'm feeling like I should take more risks. It's a great rush to jump off the safe wall of logic. That doesn't mean I have to extinguish that part of me. I won't. I can't. It just means I have to open another part of myself I always keep guarded. I'm gaining some insight to those people who are "addicted to love." Those people, like my little sister, who always seemed to give their heart way too quickly. It's a rush!