substantial outpourings

It finally hit me what a hard week it's been. Tears even came when I was reading the email from my mother about how my grandma is doing, even though most of the email talked about how well she's doing and her good spirits. She's my only grandparent I've ever known well - and it's hitting me right now. I should change subjects because thinking about this is seriously making me cry...

Today I let my staff out a few minutes early - because we all wanted to get out to watch the Presidential debates. I don't know why any of us are so fixated on watching them. I never get anything new out of hearing or seeing them - it's nothing I didn't already know from what I've researched regarding them - and most people in this country who know they're going to vote are dead set on who they're voting for anyway. These debates are not going to change their minds. I feel like going off on this - and I might in my other neglected blog, but this is the blog where I talk about boys, so I'll get back on topic.

Remember I said when I first started seeing Mvob I couldn't tell if he was smart or not... well today was one of those days where he just didn't seem smart. In fact, he was going to watch the debate with me, but just showed up in time for the last two questions - which of course enforced his opinions he already had (pro-Bush, because of abortion). We went across the street to my new place to help figure out what I needed to go buy before I could really start moving in (cleaning supplies, garbage cans, a plunger).

We went to the store, and it seemed he was with me out of feeling obligated to be there with me. I hate when people do things they don't want to do out of a created feeling of obligation. I didn't bring it up, I was just my happy self - but when I offered him the only food I had with me at the time when he mentioned his hunger (unsalted, raw sunflower seeds) he ate them and said "Wow, these are really healthy..." I said, "Wow, that could really be interpreted as condescending," and just made silly faces at him as he attempted to justify himself in making fun of me.

It turns out he stayed up until *really* late last night playing chess online. He and his cousin played together to beat some super high level chess players. He also hasn't done any of his homework or studies for a class he has tomorrow. He was so much talk about how he wants to do well at school this semester, and take it seriously, but he hasn't done anything to follow through with that. I guess I shouldn't get down on him for that - I'm the same way - lots of talk, little follow through. Except I did have a high GPA, and I have finished college and have a "real" job - so I guess there is follow through in my talk.

Ah!-this week:

- First period in ages, welcome back hormones.
- Battling the "gahmboo" that was going around the office (some flu-like thing, which has been mildly bothering me, but I've been managing to keep it at bay).
- moving.
- Grandma being sick.
- Idaho White calling me (yeah!) and telling me about his friend that died this week (NOT yeah!).
- My sister-in-law is having surgery on Monday, I really hope she and my brother can start a family soon like they've been wanting to.
- I had a breakthrough with my staff this week, figuring out how to show them who I am and having them respect and enjoy it (it took dancing on a step stool, seriously).
- I so want to get past this career garbage and get to my real career goal of motherhood.
- Knowing I don't want to waste my time as far as relationships go - so trying to decide if Mvob is someone who's worth it...

Is he worth it? I don't know. He's just so unlike anyone I'd ever picture myself with... in every way except for we are both LDS, and that he's fun. I looked back at old journal entries where I wrote about what I want in a guy, and the few I wrote about what I need... and I think about if he would be a good father, if he would be a good partner, if he'll follow through and become a physical therapist (aka, be able to support my desire to be a stay-at-home mother). When I think about these things I realize he totally IS a yellow-blue. Irresponsibly self-righteous, and I don't mean that as a negative or positive judgment, just an observation.

I keep wondering how much of me truly likes him, and how much am I actually just convincing myself that I do because he's LDS and it's flattering to be chased in the assertive way he's done.

There's a work training + retreat (shmoozing/recruiting-type thing) that my boss wants me to go to. But when I think about it, I worry that I would not have the self control to do something I would later regret. It has everything to do with the director who I have a crush on who is actually the one who hired me, who kissed me while I was in training in Boston... I've been thinking about not going just so I wouldn't be tempted to "cheat" on Mvob. But then that makes me think, do I really even like Mvob that much if I'm thinking this way?

I think it's really too early to know.
I think that I think with my head too much and my heart to little when it comes to relationships with others. This is definitely why I am still single. But I'm GLAD I'm still single. If I would have thrown my heart into where it wanted to go I'd be in a very committed relationship in a situation that wasn't where I should be... be it with any of those my heart has opened enough to love.

My eyes are stinging. It's a combination of earlier tears and cat hair. I'm so excited to get out of this place! My allergies thank me.

tidbits

I wish I had more time to write. I wish I had more time to sleep. I have to go to work now.

I began moving the first of my boxes accross the street today. Mvob came over to help me. Getting my stuff there is going to be the super easy part. But, I need to give that place a thorough cleaning first. It's a bit grimey.

I've been sick the past few days. Not sick enough to stay home, but sick enough that if I could stay home I'd probably get better, and I don't really want to go to work. I should make it today, though.

My grandma just had a bad stroke, which is up in the air right now where it will go from here. She could have a full recovery - or full discovery of what comes after this life. It all depends on how she reacts to the medicine they're giving her. My icky tummy is nothing.

I like a boy. He's silly. Mvob.

I'm Moooving! (now)

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Girl Trouble