substantial outpourings
It finally hit me what a hard week it's been. Tears even came when I was reading the email from my mother about how my grandma is doing, even though most of the email talked about how well she's doing and her good spirits. She's my only grandparent I've ever known well - and it's hitting me right now. I should change subjects because thinking about this is seriously making me cry...
Today I let my staff out a few minutes early - because we all wanted to get out to watch the Presidential debates. I don't know why any of us are so fixated on watching them. I never get anything new out of hearing or seeing them - it's nothing I didn't already know from what I've researched regarding them - and most people in this country who know they're going to vote are dead set on who they're voting for anyway. These debates are not going to change their minds. I feel like going off on this - and I might in my other neglected blog, but this is the blog where I talk about boys, so I'll get back on topic.
Remember I said when I first started seeing Mvob I couldn't tell if he was smart or not... well today was one of those days where he just didn't seem smart. In fact, he was going to watch the debate with me, but just showed up in time for the last two questions - which of course enforced his opinions he already had (pro-Bush, because of abortion). We went across the street to my new place to help figure out what I needed to go buy before I could really start moving in (cleaning supplies, garbage cans, a plunger).
We went to the store, and it seemed he was with me out of feeling obligated to be there with me. I hate when people do things they don't want to do out of a created feeling of obligation. I didn't bring it up, I was just my happy self - but when I offered him the only food I had with me at the time when he mentioned his hunger (unsalted, raw sunflower seeds) he ate them and said "Wow, these are really healthy..." I said, "Wow, that could really be interpreted as condescending," and just made silly faces at him as he attempted to justify himself in making fun of me.
It turns out he stayed up until *really* late last night playing chess online. He and his cousin played together to beat some super high level chess players. He also hasn't done any of his homework or studies for a class he has tomorrow. He was so much talk about how he wants to do well at school this semester, and take it seriously, but he hasn't done anything to follow through with that. I guess I shouldn't get down on him for that - I'm the same way - lots of talk, little follow through. Except I did have a high GPA, and I have finished college and have a "real" job - so I guess there is follow through in my talk.
Ah!-this week:
- First period in ages, welcome back hormones.
- Battling the "gahmboo" that was going around the office (some flu-like thing, which has been mildly bothering me, but I've been managing to keep it at bay).
- moving.
- Grandma being sick.
- Idaho White calling me (yeah!) and telling me about his friend that died this week (NOT yeah!).
- My sister-in-law is having surgery on Monday, I really hope she and my brother can start a family soon like they've been wanting to.
- I had a breakthrough with my staff this week, figuring out how to show them who I am and having them respect and enjoy it (it took dancing on a step stool, seriously).
- I so want to get past this career garbage and get to my real career goal of motherhood.
- Knowing I don't want to waste my time as far as relationships go - so trying to decide if Mvob is someone who's worth it...
Is he worth it? I don't know. He's just so unlike anyone I'd ever picture myself with... in every way except for we are both LDS, and that he's fun. I looked back at old journal entries where I wrote about what I want in a guy, and the few I wrote about what I need... and I think about if he would be a good father, if he would be a good partner, if he'll follow through and become a physical therapist (aka, be able to support my desire to be a stay-at-home mother). When I think about these things I realize he totally IS a yellow-blue. Irresponsibly self-righteous, and I don't mean that as a negative or positive judgment, just an observation.
I keep wondering how much of me truly likes him, and how much am I actually just convincing myself that I do because he's LDS and it's flattering to be chased in the assertive way he's done.
There's a work training + retreat (shmoozing/recruiting-type thing) that my boss wants me to go to. But when I think about it, I worry that I would not have the self control to do something I would later regret. It has everything to do with the director who I have a crush on who is actually the one who hired me, who kissed me while I was in training in Boston... I've been thinking about not going just so I wouldn't be tempted to "cheat" on Mvob. But then that makes me think, do I really even like Mvob that much if I'm thinking this way?
I think it's really too early to know.
I think that I think with my head too much and my heart to little when it comes to relationships with others. This is definitely why I am still single. But I'm GLAD I'm still single. If I would have thrown my heart into where it wanted to go I'd be in a very committed relationship in a situation that wasn't where I should be... be it with any of those my heart has opened enough to love.
My eyes are stinging. It's a combination of earlier tears and cat hair. I'm so excited to get out of this place! My allergies thank me.
Today I let my staff out a few minutes early - because we all wanted to get out to watch the Presidential debates. I don't know why any of us are so fixated on watching them. I never get anything new out of hearing or seeing them - it's nothing I didn't already know from what I've researched regarding them - and most people in this country who know they're going to vote are dead set on who they're voting for anyway. These debates are not going to change their minds. I feel like going off on this - and I might in my other neglected blog, but this is the blog where I talk about boys, so I'll get back on topic.
Remember I said when I first started seeing Mvob I couldn't tell if he was smart or not... well today was one of those days where he just didn't seem smart. In fact, he was going to watch the debate with me, but just showed up in time for the last two questions - which of course enforced his opinions he already had (pro-Bush, because of abortion). We went across the street to my new place to help figure out what I needed to go buy before I could really start moving in (cleaning supplies, garbage cans, a plunger).
We went to the store, and it seemed he was with me out of feeling obligated to be there with me. I hate when people do things they don't want to do out of a created feeling of obligation. I didn't bring it up, I was just my happy self - but when I offered him the only food I had with me at the time when he mentioned his hunger (unsalted, raw sunflower seeds) he ate them and said "Wow, these are really healthy..." I said, "Wow, that could really be interpreted as condescending," and just made silly faces at him as he attempted to justify himself in making fun of me.
It turns out he stayed up until *really* late last night playing chess online. He and his cousin played together to beat some super high level chess players. He also hasn't done any of his homework or studies for a class he has tomorrow. He was so much talk about how he wants to do well at school this semester, and take it seriously, but he hasn't done anything to follow through with that. I guess I shouldn't get down on him for that - I'm the same way - lots of talk, little follow through. Except I did have a high GPA, and I have finished college and have a "real" job - so I guess there is follow through in my talk.
Ah!-this week:
- First period in ages, welcome back hormones.
- Battling the "gahmboo" that was going around the office (some flu-like thing, which has been mildly bothering me, but I've been managing to keep it at bay).
- moving.
- Grandma being sick.
- Idaho White calling me (yeah!) and telling me about his friend that died this week (NOT yeah!).
- My sister-in-law is having surgery on Monday, I really hope she and my brother can start a family soon like they've been wanting to.
- I had a breakthrough with my staff this week, figuring out how to show them who I am and having them respect and enjoy it (it took dancing on a step stool, seriously).
- I so want to get past this career garbage and get to my real career goal of motherhood.
- Knowing I don't want to waste my time as far as relationships go - so trying to decide if Mvob is someone who's worth it...
Is he worth it? I don't know. He's just so unlike anyone I'd ever picture myself with... in every way except for we are both LDS, and that he's fun. I looked back at old journal entries where I wrote about what I want in a guy, and the few I wrote about what I need... and I think about if he would be a good father, if he would be a good partner, if he'll follow through and become a physical therapist (aka, be able to support my desire to be a stay-at-home mother). When I think about these things I realize he totally IS a yellow-blue. Irresponsibly self-righteous, and I don't mean that as a negative or positive judgment, just an observation.
I keep wondering how much of me truly likes him, and how much am I actually just convincing myself that I do because he's LDS and it's flattering to be chased in the assertive way he's done.
There's a work training + retreat (shmoozing/recruiting-type thing) that my boss wants me to go to. But when I think about it, I worry that I would not have the self control to do something I would later regret. It has everything to do with the director who I have a crush on who is actually the one who hired me, who kissed me while I was in training in Boston... I've been thinking about not going just so I wouldn't be tempted to "cheat" on Mvob. But then that makes me think, do I really even like Mvob that much if I'm thinking this way?
I think it's really too early to know.
I think that I think with my head too much and my heart to little when it comes to relationships with others. This is definitely why I am still single. But I'm GLAD I'm still single. If I would have thrown my heart into where it wanted to go I'd be in a very committed relationship in a situation that wasn't where I should be... be it with any of those my heart has opened enough to love.
My eyes are stinging. It's a combination of earlier tears and cat hair. I'm so excited to get out of this place! My allergies thank me.
posted by Amberlynn at
11:26 PM
5 Comments:
Well, lots to chew on...
You spend a lot of time wondering if he is smart or not. Intelligence really is a hard thing to measure and I doubt any of US (me or you) are qualified to judge. I may get a little preachy here but I'm me and that's what I do. When I think back on our conversations and read your posts you spend a lot of time on this smart thing and it seems your idea of 'smart' may be quite narrow. Have you thought that there may be some things that are much more important than being smart?
How bout the quality of his character, how he treats you, and his adherance to gospel principles? Comments about the 'healthiness' of your food is no more condescending than judging someone elses intelligence.
I find it interesting when people write in journals or sit and dream of what they want in a spouse. There are so many combinations of traits and personalities out there that i believe preconcieved notions are simply too limiting. I would rather treat people the same way I think of art or music... I know what I like when I see it. Everyone is entitled to preffrances of course, but why would a new like be tossed out our doubted simply because it isn't the same as past likes? Makes no sense.
Don't like when people do things out of obligation? Seems to me that when someone does something they don't really like to do, in order to spend time with me, that would be quite flattering. I am not a wise man but I do know that a huge part of marriage, and parenthood, is doing things due to obligation. I do lots of things I don't enjoy simply to make others happy. It's called sacrifice and compromise and if you are not doing things you don't like to make others happy than you might be the problem (I'm sure you do things ie. watching football).
Lighten up on the guy, enjoy yourself a little.
In regards to temptations of the supervisor sort...isn't that an HR issue?
Being tempted by the fruit of another (thats a song) really has little to do with if you like Mvob or not. Appreciation of others is a natural reaction and whether just dating or married for years its always possible. What matters is what you do about it. If you respect the person you are with you avoid all situations where innapropriate interaction is possible or even possibly perceived. All that aside kissing the person who hired you sounds real fishy.
Honestly it sounds like you are looking for reasons not to like this guy. If thats what you want than I am sure thats what you will get.
By
brohammas, at 7:19 PM
I agree 100% with the last comment your bro made. I didn't realize it at the time, but that was the first step over the "point of no return" for ending my marriage. I reread my diary entries from the month leading up to our separation, and it was non-stop over-analysis and temptation-justification and self-doubt. A sort of half-way-based-in-truth self-fulfilling prophecy. (side note: I have never used so many hyphens in my life) I think there were many issues we could have worked through had I thought with my head a little less... But, then again, thinking with my heart was just making me want someone else... It's sooooo hard to know where to draw the line between "thinking too much" and "thinking too little" and knowing what you're making up in your head and what's really true. When are you being honest with yourself? If only there were a concrete answer. Good luck.
-I.D.
By
Anonymous, at 1:22 PM
It seems as though there has been alot of anylizing and over-anylizing, so I thought I'd go with the flow and throw my two cents in.
From what I've been reading it seems as though you are trying to find every reason not to like him... just an observation.
I'm sure that your use of the word "smart" is very generalized.. from your concerns about his dumb jockedness and his right-leaning polic'tical ideologies to his staying up all night chess-fest and obligitory shopping-time.
I agree with your brother that being in a relationship (especially marriage) takes sacrifice and comprimise. You have to decide which path to take: You can believe that your opinions are correct and that anybody that doesn't share those views must not be very smart or you can still keep your opinions and accept that other people might have differing views. There is one thing that is certain, you can't love someone as an equal partner if you don't respect them.
By
Anonymous, at 8:24 PM
As my mother always said "When in doubt, don't". If you doubt things about the relationship, then don't be in it.
However, I do have to say, how long have you been dating him? Hubby and I dated for a year before we got married, and it was almost that long when we decided to marry. There are things that drive me nuts about him, but I love him. :)
Usually though, you don't need to wonder so much no matter how long you have been together. I just think that as LDS people we put a lot of pressure on relationships early on because of the marriage goal.
Good luck with everything... and remember not to make any big life desicions during that time of the month! ;) Wait until the hormones subside, you'll be able to think more clearly, trust me!!!
Aim
By
Mika, at 10:53 AM
Poor girl--to have all of your friends and family analyze all of the details of your current relationship! It's hard enough to make your own decisions without everyone else telling you what THEY think you should do. Plus, isn't it a little weird to think that we are all analyzing what you've already analyzed? How accurate is that, do you think? Ever play a little game called "Telephone"?
By
Anonymous, at 3:30 PM
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