And he replies to my reply - back to his usual format...

Okay. I feel better now.  (Insert Smiley Here) I even clicked on the smiley face icon.

Longest Email Ever From Derek...
*background*
While talking to him on the phone yesterday, when he told me he was going to a birthday dinner party last night... I gave him a bad time about how he avoids me when we're at church functions. I was a bit frustrated - but honestly thought, it's not worth this. This morning in my inbox he writes....
*****
I'm sorry. I'm generally a nice person, I promise. I'm sorry I've been a jerk to you. In a smaller role I am sure I could do much better. I don't have a good explanation, because I do think you're a really awesome girl and fun to be with (in a good way) and you've done a lot of really cool things. I'm just not prepared right now or something, and I'd rather fulfill a smaller role well than fill a larger role so poorly. I'm sorry I've been so lazy and forced you to pester, though pestering from cute girls isn't as tormenting as you think.
 
It's only March and you're here at least till June, so I don't agree with your "not making friends" speech. I've tried to include you on a few occasions, though I could do a much better job. I still think you should come to institute in Philly on Wednesdays. Even if you work till 7:00, the class goes till 8:30, so you could be there for an hour of it and to hang out with everyone afterwards. I'll pay your $3 toll. :) I know it's not fun to be isolated on the farm, though you are good at entertaining yourself and others. When it finally stops snowing, there are going to be hikes and trips to the Shore, and on some of those Saturdays you won't have to work. Hopefully this isn't a prison term for you. There is still a lot of good Amber Time to come, and, if I haven't permanently disqualified myself, I may ask for some.
 
I give you permission to use the cookie-making tablecloth for brownies, if that's what you need it for. I hope the concert is fun.
 
I reserve the right to think of a better response later, but I wanted to send some kind of email this morning. If the rest of this message is disagreeable, just read the first sentence.
 
Derek

***
I wrote back and told him he is not being a jerk, and that I have no idea what "role" he's talking about. I told him I think the reason he does get nervous and avoid me is because he thinks there's some sort of special role he needs to play. I told him I just want a friend, and if I like him - so what - don't do anything unless its natural. I like all sorts of people I find interesting and think would make good friends.

I'm still frustrated and sick of all this.

Well - tonight was Derek's only opportunity to have time with me this week, and he's out being fun and social again. He for once was (only slightly) brilliant enough to invite me... but I'm stuck at work until 7, so I can't be t a 6:30 dinner party in the city.

I give up. It's just not worth this. HE can chase me. I will not chase. I deserve to be pursued. It's time to just Zen it out with the boys. When it's right, the picture will be complete - but right now he just isn't fitting.

Idaho White is probably going to fly out here to visit me! I'm Loved!

I've been reminded that this needs an update. Thank you.
Well... I had no fun responses to my fun email. Oh well.

Every time I called Derek last week, he was on his way out the door. He'd been invited to a concert, he'd been called up and asked to help with a service project, he was going camping with his sister for the weekend. And none of his little one liner emails from work either. He had a busy week.

At least I was *invited* to go camping - but he already knew I had to work on Saturday. On Saturday, there was really no good reason for me to be there either. I was a little annoyed that I had to stand around doing nothing for twelve hours when I could have been camping with Derek. On the bright side - it was really cold this weekend, so I probably wouldn't have been too excited camping. I mean, it would have given the opportunity for body heat excuses... but his sister was there too, so he would have been cold.

He was his usual very distant self on Sunday. But at least cute smart doctor boy obviously made a point to say hi to me. And tasty Paraguay boy did as well. But those... AGAIN... were the usual talk going nowhere. Still no dates or even digits.

Then, Derek calls last night just to check in, and essentially apologize for "being a jerk" in his own words. WHAT IS THIS! I mean, if he would just stick to being the kind of jerk who either just doesn't treat me well in relation to others and doesn't notice it... I could pass it off to typical guyness. Or, if he treated me the way he does around others because he's a total player and doesn't want to scare off any of his other female conquests by being seen with me, I could just pass it off to typical guyness.

But instead, though I can truly see where he's coming from and why he acts the frustrating "he loves me he loves me not"-victorian courting way that he does... he recognizes the roller coaster he's taking me on and calls to apologize. And he does it in such a covert way that I can't even ever get mad at him. At least I mostly enjoy the roller coaster, even though I've never felt so frustrated!

I wish I could just let him go, but I think the reason I can't is because his sincerity on this ride reminds me of me! It's just very frustrating because usually I'm the one causing the ups and downs, not the one being taken on them. This must be my Karma come-around.