What are Cold Feet?

The next day was complete bliss. Church suddenly felt wonderful again. I could enjoy the speakers, even when I disagreed with them. And, amazingly, I enjoyed conducting the music.

Usually, it's my least favorite thing in the world to flap my arm in front of people who aren't paying attention anyway, and if they do - it's not like you can *actually* conduct (as you would a choir, where your leading means something).

But then, the following Monday I felt a bit nervous. Is this just "cold feet" I questioned. Should I be paying close attention to this feeling? What IS this feeling?...
Ok, the more I write about it, the more it's gonna sound like there were more bad, confused feelings than there were. Truly, there were just nerves - but I wanted to be without a doubt sure about this, more than ever. My thoughts began to focus so intently on those nerves that I let those live inside me, quietly. My head knew this was right. My heart knew this was right. But yes there were nerves - and I always hold "I could be wrong" about everything in the back of my mind.

I didn't mention this to anyone, except in prayers.
The next Sunday (one week later), my Yellow Farmer peered at me with those eyes that say so much.

"Are you having doubts?" He said. "You know the last thing I want to do is pressure you. We can wait. Do you need to change your mind?"... or something along those lines. It wasn't that HE was doubting. He had fully commited himself to me before he even asked me if I would marry him. He knew I was nervous.

I responded with a quick, NO! I'm don't doubt. I promised myself to you. I know this is it... but over the course of the next hour, through his patience (which can be pulled out of a back pocket somewhere when it's truly, lovingly, necessary for us typically impatient Yellows) I admitted my nerves, were they doubts? I was unsure.

To this point, we hadn't told anyone. It was not secret, but it was sacred - and it wasn't time to share. All week, I kept thinking, and rereading the same scripture, and I shared with him: "If thou shalt ASK, thou shalt receive revelation upon revelation, knowledge upon knowledge, that thou mayest know the mysteries and peaceable things - that which bringeth joy, and that which bringeth life eternal."

"Ask who?" was his response.
Something kicked my brain. I'd been praying, but had I been asking? And, it doesn't even say "If thou shalt ask GOD...."
"Actually, it doesn't specify."

Wisdom speaks from my Yellow Farmer, "Well, we DO know people who have gone through this before and DO know what it feels like. We could ask our parents... (Both of our parents have remained together.) And we could ask friends we have that have been divorced, 'cause they may have a better sense of a warning feeling... but really - whoever we ask we still have to know for ourselves, because everyone's experience is different."

Joy! Peace! Mysteries! Life Eternal! Knowledge!

I immediately felt better, before speaking with anyone. I do have one sister who strongly speaks of how she KNEW, and couldn't deny it. And another, more level headed sister, who admits she never really KNEW, but nothing said it was wrong... So, I called them. I asked.

Here's what got me: "What, specifically, are you worried about?" asked one sis.

Nothing.
I was worried about nothing!
And then, brilliantly, even the general nerves left me. I discovered it. I knew. Revelation upon revelation. Here Lord, look on my heart.

So once again, my answer was yes.
Let's get married!

Dream Wedding

Many girls dream up their perfect wedding - big beautiful dress, big beautiful celebration, etc. I enjoy weddings. They ARE big a beautiful... but no matter how I try I can never actually picture MYSELF in that situation.

I finally came up with my dream wedding:
Me, my partner, and God - alone together in the woods, promising ourselves to each other. That's what it's really about. The deep and important promise you make to each other.

Ok, so with no minister or license, it wouldn't actually be legal, but we're not talking legal here = we're talking dreams.

Later, on that perfect May 1st day - it happened, spontaneously.
I had said yes, and promised just began to pour out. It was my soul telling YF that I would love him for ever for everything. It just happened, to both of us. He said his vows to me, and it was so powerful that we knew it was bigger than both of us.

It was so sacred and special I can't really say more about it. It's not easy to talk about, and even feels cheapening to write about, but I have to just say that my perfect dream wedding didn't only happen - it happened so organically that it was even better than I had dreamed.

May Day

Well, some places count May 1st as May day.
I'll call it D-day, for decision day.

It happened to me, in much the same way it happened to Erik. We were sitting there, facing eachother and it came flashing like lightning. I KNEW what to do. It was just like when I blurted out "I'm not going to college next year." It was the opposite of what I'd always thought I would say, but I had no doubt it was right.

"Can you guess what I'm thinking?" I said, "Don't guess" I quickly followed up. Very soon the words came out... "Will you let me be your wife?"

Confirmation, assurance, and as the Poor Pastry Boy explains in "A Pyromaniac's Love Story", the sky opened up and stars came pouring down and well, just everything was perfect. The biggest broadest love I'd ever felt was there.

Relief!

It was a full-of-fun weekend.
First, Yellow Farmer and I met his family at the movie theatre to watch a fun movie with the kids. I spent most of it more captivated by the kids I was playing with than the movie itself.

Then, we went to a middle school production of Guys and Dolls. For a middle school, it was exceptional. I would put it on par with an average high school production. It was an arts and music specialized school that one of my favorite inspiration friends teaches at.

After that, we drove out to a fun west-coast swing dance, which also included night club two-step, and had a shuffle contest. Usually, we dance lindy and more vintage swing - so this was a fun change.

Finally, was a blues party. The biggest most WOW blues party I've seen. Ok, I think I've only been to about three now, but they're crazy. People were here from SLC, San Fran, Seattle, all over, just for this party. The party was held at Yellow Farmer's best friend's home.

What a day. You'd think the stress would force me to slow down. Instead, the relief of work and decision stress freed me up to be in the spirits to play. It felt SO wonderful.

Importantly: sometime, during the day, there was a little puddle that I little bit splashed in. I gave YF a pixie-devious look which threatened a splash. He replied with "you watch it, girl. I'll splash you back." I didn't. He didn't. But he would, and we would, and I knew it was just a matter of time.

Insanity

I spent the next week feeling a bit crazy. Actually, not just feeling, I was crazy!

I knew there was truly no time rush, but suddenly I felt pressure to decide how I felt about the church, and if I wanted to marry my Yellow Farmer, and the last I'd been able to correspond with my sister it sounded to me like she may be getting divorced - well, she'd mentioned that word anyway (*don't worry family, she's ok - I found out finally - after worrying so long*), but I was working so much we couldn't even *schedule* a time to talk, and I was supposed to go to a retreat that weekend for work, but really to me it was just one more busy thing I HAD to do and no time to think clearly through anything or even breathe.

On my lunch breaks, or on short walks to the bank for work, I would call a friend and try to talk through things. When I was home at night I would pray. I would wake up in the morning and ponder and pray and attempt to find some scripture to concentrate on or study but my mind wouldn't be calm.

I decided to be assertive and talk to my boss about not wanting to go to the retreat. I told him I was in a really negative mind space about it, and I was losing patience dealing with my staff at work, and I had a lot of personal issues to deal with, and please I don't want to go. He said ok, as long as I plan on going to the 4th of July retreat. Ahhhh yes! Just that one huge relief and I already felt SO MUCH better.

I was also supposed to work that Sunday, but my boss called me on Sunday morning and offered to work it for me so I could have that day off too. Wow! Double great.

I meant to spend that time in introspective quiet personal reflection. But, my spirits were SO lifted that all I really wanted to do was run around and play. I could play! No stress, hurray!