I just found out why I haven't heard from him all week... and he's totally forgiven. He's been fighting some inneficient beurocracies to further is way along his career path, and just lost a frustratingly stupid battle. He's been keeping himself occupied to redirect those frustrations.

He received a Valentine's Day care package from his mother, complete with those sugar cookies he raves about, so I'm not going to make him cookies anymore. I did, however, get some good backpacking food to give him.

I decided to revert back to my usual mode and just not care about if we're "something" or not. I'm going to live in the moment, and not attach myself until he is the one doing the attaching. I think that will fix all previous problems.

I had already bought some sugar cookie dough to make Derek some Christmas Tree shaped cookies for Valentine's day. I'm sure they won't be the same as his real favorites that his mother makes (if it weren't for the wierdenss last Sunday, I probably would have called her to get her recipe) but the thought will be fun.

I also bought a package of sugar to give him. Both of us really like smoothie's, but he has it stuck in his mind that a good smoothie needs sugar. I've never actually made a good smoothie for him, 'cause he doesn't have the ingredients I would work with, but I've learned that all he needs to be happy are "sugar and a blender." Personally, I think sugar is probably the last thing you ever need in a smoothie... so that's why I'm giving him sugar. I like him for who he is, it says.

I also saw a little M&M man with a construction hat on. Fitting for Derek the Engineer. So I had to get that on impulse too. I almost bought him a card, but decided to attempt painting one instead.

Valentine's Day is going to be Friday for us, since I have to work ALL DAY (literally) Saturday. I'm excited for Friday, but mostly nervous now. Maybe I should really branch out and work on meeting other guys. I'm also actually starting to miss Mr. White in Idaho.

And after Sunday

Ok, total confusion. In church, Derek came and sat by me. :)
He didn't sit next to me, though. There was enough room for an entire large body to sit between us. Even after I teased him asking if he was afraid that I would bite, he didn't scoot over. And when the meeting was over, he immediately got up, without even looking at me, and went to talk to someone else without even saying anything to me.

I didn't see him again until after two more meetings. I was waiting outside an office to meet with someone else, and he had to wait near there for a different person. He talked to me then, but never sat down, and always stood on the other side of the foyer. What is up with this! At least before he left he told me he would be going straight home, as opposed to the possibility of coming out to my place. I looked at him and said "I just don't get it." "I know" he said.

I figured he just didn't want there to be rumors out there that we were anything more than we are. And what are we anyway? Does he consider me a girlfriend, or just someone he's dating, or who knows? If he can cuddle with me on a Metro, he should be able to speak to me at church. It's not like I would try cuddling with him there or anything! I have a hard time trusting someone who can't be comfortable being seen with me in public - strangers and friends.

So I called him to try to figure things out. Unlike many guys, he was completely aware of what happened, and even felt bad. I was right that he didn't want rumors and such, but he admitted that he overeacted. He didn't have any sort of real answer the DTR stage of "what am I to you?" We finally got to a comfortable stage of understanding that he just doesn't know. Well, it is too early to know anything complicated... but I also don't want to waste my time. If there's no possibilities than I need to be seeking elsewhere. These are the risks one takes when deciding to just like someone full force. I've taken a different approach to this whole thing than I ever have before; maybe it wasn't right. Maybe, we'll see. But my old method was definetly in need of revision because it wasn't right either.

The Blog that would have been posted Saturday Night

I had so much fun today! I went to Washington DC with Derek. We met his sister at the American History Museum, and spent time wandering around various museums at the Smithsonian. Actually, museuming was interesting in itself, but not socially. There wasn't much interaction between any of us. Hmmm, actually now that I think of it, that part was kind of akward. But the rest was great. Derek was cute and fun and totally not shy at all. He held my hand in public, and cuddled with me on the Metro and everything. When we got home, we watched a movie and just had a great old time. Even the goodnight kiss was good. Quick and simple, but definetly his best yet. Giddy Giddy Me.