What I don't want

Is to have to decide or commit to any person right now.

Based on much of our conversation Monday Night, Portland Perfection has decided to break up with his girlfriend because he realizes it's not based in love... it's based in fear and his desire to "fix" her. He says he doesn't expect anything with us - that would be unfair - but he has decided he wants to explore the REAL possibility of REAL love, and therefore has to not be in an unhealthy relationship.

If any relationship happens, it will now be like my usual. Slow, logic, level headed. My wall has been rebuilt, and I don't think I could choose for it to be instantly flattened like it was before. Perhaps a few stones will come down - but not easily.

Besides, I have a lawyer who likes me. And another guy who is a dancer. And, I want to explore other interests. Just emotionally unavailable I guess.

We spoke

So Portland Perfection finally found a time, and a mind-space where he could talk to me. He came over last night after I got off work. We talked for a bit about our respective issues with religious questions, and then spoke about "us." To sum up what he said, let me just share a sample from the email he sent me saying he wanted to get together to talk:

"There are things in my heart that I need to tell you. I’m feeling very incomplete with who you are in my life and I want to find peace about it. I think about you every day and I wonder about the possibilities. I’ve tried to let go of those thoughts and let you fade in my mind but it hasn’t worked; instead, you’ve grown in my mind and you’ve become colossal, looming in front of me. I know that probably doesn’t make much sense but what I’m trying to say is that I’ve been avoiding talking to you about this and it’s driving me crazy. I don’t know how you feel about talking about “us” with me. I’m not sure where it could lead us but I feel such a strong sense of incompleteness with you and I really want to explore that. Are you willing to go there with me?
Thank you for your friendship and your extraordinary way of being. No matter what happens I love you and I’m grateful for your influence on me."

Had this come a week or two after heartbreak I would have been so thrilled and said "let's get together." But I'm past that now. I'm comfortable with me, I'm having fun with all my choices and possibilities - and don't feel ready to slow down by committing to anyone, or anything for that matter. I told him where I was - and what I thought. How my biggest fear - originally - was that he was choosing her because of his personality type, as a therapist, feeling the need to "take care" of someone - rather than out of truly loving her.

He confessed that in retrospect he was scared about how quickly he could see us together for life. How "right" it was, and that is why he was cautious - out of fear. "You're supposed to get to the idea of a life with someone after hard work" he said. Interesting how the same perspective had the opposite effect for me, allowing me to throw my usual caution out the window.

I told him how I came to the place of being ok without him when I decided I needed someone strong enough to be secure in who THEY are, so that we can fuel our potential forward. I don't want to be with someone who I need to "take care" of. I'm looking for a companion, not a patient.
I'm looking for strenghth in someone else equal to what I feel in my relationship with myself.

Idaho White has that - which is why we were so powerfully good together, and why we have "moved on without letting go." I still love him, but I'm not attached to the idea of being with him.

So we (Portland Perfection) ended with the door of friendship re-opened. He wants there to be some door open to the possibility of more in the future. Nothing in me stirred. No total excitement or hope. In fact, not much interest at all. I benefited, I learned, I move on. If we ever do establish a relationship that is more than friendship, it will take a while. He needs to gain the strenghth I see him missing right now first.

I'm glad it won't be awkward when I see him again.

Raining Men

It's feasting time in feast-or-famine land...
A blues dancer who's called me every day since Thursday.
A beginning dancer who certainly has a crush, and was at my salon on Saturday.
PP is coming over tonight to talk about "us."
There is interest with the amazing artsy house party-host.
There is a guy I met at that party from Seattle who's been emailing.

I want to play with all, and commit to none.

It's Tink and the lost boys AND the pirates. Or is it Wendy? I can never tell.
I guess I've never felt jelous like Tinkerbell gets, so maybe it's Wendy.

Fun times.

Peter Pan

So this fun little desire of mine has always been to go up to a stranger, plant a huge kiss on them, and walk away. Ok, so I haven't actually done THAT - but I got close, in a moment of intentional lack of inhibition, I planted a big kiss on this blues dancer/politically involved/lawyer guy. (I know, I know! Stop it.) THAT was fun. I didn't know his name. He wouldn't tell me. I've named him Peter Pan.

Then, two of my best-good friends showed up from Idaho. One here for a conference for her church, and Idaho White came just for my Creators Salon I hosted last night.

The salon was very nice. I had at least one respresentative from each of my realms of people I know in Portland. Some of the artists I recently met, a dancer, someone from church, people from work, friends from Idaho... am I missing anybody? We shared, and I think several people were inspired to share more. It was great to create such a mix of people, and the food (everyone brought some type of chips and dip) was all delicious.

I shared two of my old photos, sang an old song, and shared a new poem. I'm feeling inspired. EVERY weekend of 2005 has been fantastic. Meeting PP, going to the coast with him, the performance art workshop, the performance art night, the Balboa weekend with two great friend coming from out-of-town to visit, a blues party, another fabulous party, my salon... and next weekend will top them all . . . . .