We spoke

So Portland Perfection finally found a time, and a mind-space where he could talk to me. He came over last night after I got off work. We talked for a bit about our respective issues with religious questions, and then spoke about "us." To sum up what he said, let me just share a sample from the email he sent me saying he wanted to get together to talk:

"There are things in my heart that I need to tell you. I’m feeling very incomplete with who you are in my life and I want to find peace about it. I think about you every day and I wonder about the possibilities. I’ve tried to let go of those thoughts and let you fade in my mind but it hasn’t worked; instead, you’ve grown in my mind and you’ve become colossal, looming in front of me. I know that probably doesn’t make much sense but what I’m trying to say is that I’ve been avoiding talking to you about this and it’s driving me crazy. I don’t know how you feel about talking about “us” with me. I’m not sure where it could lead us but I feel such a strong sense of incompleteness with you and I really want to explore that. Are you willing to go there with me?
Thank you for your friendship and your extraordinary way of being. No matter what happens I love you and I’m grateful for your influence on me."

Had this come a week or two after heartbreak I would have been so thrilled and said "let's get together." But I'm past that now. I'm comfortable with me, I'm having fun with all my choices and possibilities - and don't feel ready to slow down by committing to anyone, or anything for that matter. I told him where I was - and what I thought. How my biggest fear - originally - was that he was choosing her because of his personality type, as a therapist, feeling the need to "take care" of someone - rather than out of truly loving her.

He confessed that in retrospect he was scared about how quickly he could see us together for life. How "right" it was, and that is why he was cautious - out of fear. "You're supposed to get to the idea of a life with someone after hard work" he said. Interesting how the same perspective had the opposite effect for me, allowing me to throw my usual caution out the window.

I told him how I came to the place of being ok without him when I decided I needed someone strong enough to be secure in who THEY are, so that we can fuel our potential forward. I don't want to be with someone who I need to "take care" of. I'm looking for a companion, not a patient.
I'm looking for strenghth in someone else equal to what I feel in my relationship with myself.

Idaho White has that - which is why we were so powerfully good together, and why we have "moved on without letting go." I still love him, but I'm not attached to the idea of being with him.

So we (Portland Perfection) ended with the door of friendship re-opened. He wants there to be some door open to the possibility of more in the future. Nothing in me stirred. No total excitement or hope. In fact, not much interest at all. I benefited, I learned, I move on. If we ever do establish a relationship that is more than friendship, it will take a while. He needs to gain the strenghth I see him missing right now first.

I'm glad it won't be awkward when I see him again.